Category: science

Chemist’s fast prayer:Dear Lord, if I mix sodiumwith concentrated HNO3,and add to it Plutonium,would you take care on me?

God is tired of man thinking more highly of himself than he
ought to, and he’s especially upset now that man is messing with
DNA and cloning. So he comes down to earth just as there’s a
Scientist’s Convention going on.

After the last speaker speaks, God walks up to the podium and
introduces himself – “Hello, I am God. Yes, I am real, and I am
sick of you all trying to play Me. I am the Creator and you need
to stay out of my business.”

One of the scientists stands up and says, “Well, I tell you
what, God. Let’s go outside, and if I can make a man, you leave
us alone. If I can’t, we’ll stop.”

God agrees and they go outside. God spits in the dirt and starts
molding a man out of the mud. The scientist also bends down and
takes a handful of dirt.

“Wait!” God says, “Get your own dirt!”

Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)(Tune, Blackbird)Cesium burning in the dead of night.Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.All my life,I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.Cesium burning on a lake of ice.Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.All your life,You were only waiting for some water to arise.Cesium burn.Cesium burn.Give your light to this coal black night.— Songs of Cesium #133

We Wish You a Happy HalogenWe wish you a happy halogenWe wish you a happy halogenWe wish you a happy halogenTo react with a metal.Good acid we bringto you and your base.We wish you a merry moleculeand a happy halogen.

What don’t a mouse and an elephant share?

Answer: PEANUTS

The Marginal Basin Song by Chris Stillman(melody: Lead us on, thou Heavenly Father)On a margin runs a canyon down into the ocean dark; There’s a basin slowly filling with detritus from the arc. Refrain: For the drifting causes rifting, Opens basins mighty fine Which strike-slip will close in time. With volcanics there’s no problem; they’re erupting all the time; Fill the thin with pillow lavas, sheeted dikes and serpentine. Rising slowly from the ocean filled with gritties coarse and fine, Are you fore-arc? Are you anti-arc? Are you just a geosyncline?

During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teacher’s bunsen. For safety’s sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where that’s going?I opened the cupboard ‘neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, “Er, Sir…” just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!

Silver Nitrate(to the tune of “Silver Bells”)Silver nitrate, silver nitrateit’s chemistry time in the labDing-a-ling, with a copper ringsoon it will be chemistry day.Take your nitrate, in solutionAdd your copper with styleIn the beaker there’s a feeling of reactionssilver forming, blue solutionBringing ooh’s ah’s and wowsnow the data procesing begins.Get the mass, change to moleswhat is the ratio with copper?Write an equation, balance itwe’re glad it’s Chemistry Day.

Implants

There once was a man who had a phone implanted in his hand
and he walked into a biker bar. Shortly, his hand started to
ring and he picked his hand up and answered it. This procedure
happened one or two more times, and finally the bartender asked
what the heck he was doing, so he told him he had a cell phone
implanted in his hand, and the bartender told him he better be
careful because the boys at the bar did not like freaks like
him. He took the advice. A few minutes later he headed for the
bathroom and did not come back for ten minutes, then fifteen and
fifteen turned into twenty. The bartender went in to check up on
him to see if he had been hurt by a biker and sure enough, he
had his pants down to his ankles and toilet paper stuffed up his
butt. The bartender asked, “I warned you about this!”
And the man replied, “No, you have the wronge idea, I am just
getting a fax!”

O Come All Ye GasesO Come all yea gasesdiatomic wondersO come yea, o come yeacalls Avogadro.O come yea in moles6 x 10 to the 23rdO molar mass and moleculesO volume, pressure and temperatureO molar volume of gases at S.T.P.

I’ve been wondering…if you have sex with your clone, are you
gay or are you masturbating?

The Chemistry Teacher’s Coming to TownYou better not weighYou better not heatYou better not reactI’m telling you nowThe Chemistry Teacher’s coming to town.He’s collecting dataHe’s checking it twiceHe’s gonna find outThe heat of melting iceThe Chemistry Teacher’s coming to town.He sees you when you’re decantingHe knows when you titrateHe knows when you are safe or notSo wear goggles for goodness sake.Oh, you better not filterAnd drink your filtrateYou better not be careless and spill your precipitate.The Chemistry Teacher’s coming to town.