Category: science

Total immersion geologistsTotal immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs: 1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food. 2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: “What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?” “I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?” 3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle. 4. You like rock music only because it’s called “rock” music. 5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel. 6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you’re parked on. 7. You name your children after rocks and minerals. 8. You’re not sure if you have children. 9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.

In the year 4000, scientists invented a machine that transferred
the pain of childbearing from the mother to the father.
Hal and Binky are going to have septuplets, and they decide to
try the new machine. As Binky goes into labor, she and Hal go to
the hospital and get hooked up to the machine.
As the pain starts to get unbearable, the doctor turns on the
machine and Binky starts to feel better. But something that
baffles the doctor is that Hal doesn’t feel any pain. So he
turns it up a notch. Binky feels great, the pain is getting to
be less and less, but Hal still doesn’t feel anything. Their
first baby is born and the doctor turns up the machine all the
way.
Binky feels great. She’s giving birth to seven kids and doesn’t
feel a thing. So does Hal. “I don’t know what you women are
complaining about. Labor isn’t bad at all” he says to his wife.
The next day, they take their seven babies home, and dead on the
doorstep, is the milkman.

(get it?? the milkman is the father!!! lol!! you better laugh!!!)

Deck the LabsDeck the labs with rubber tubingFa la la la la, la la la la.Use your funnel and your filterFa la la la la, la la la la.Don we now our goggles and apronsFa la la la la, la la la la.Before we go to our lab stationsFa la la la la, la la la la.Fill the beakers with solutionsFa la la la la, la la la la.Mix solutions for reactionsFa la la la la, la la la la.Watch we now for observationsFa la la la la, la la la la.So we can collect our dataFa la la la la, la la la la.

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”

ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill — and got full credit.– Contributed to “Tales Out of School” by Joe Astorino � 1996 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

what do you call a science joke?

STUPID.

We Three Students Of Chemistry AreWe three students of chemistry aretaking tests that we think are hardStoichiometry, volumes and densitiesworrying all the time.O room of wonderroom of frightRoom of thermitesblinding light:With your energiesplease don’t burn usHelp us get our labs all right.

The Twelve Days of ChemistryOn the first day of chemistryMy teacher gave to meA candle from Chem Study.(second day) two asbestos pads(third day) three little beakers(fourth day) four work sheets(fifth day) five golden moles(sixth day) six flaming test tubes(seventh day) seven unknown samples(eighth day) eight homework problems(ninth day) nine grams of salt(tenth day) a ten page test(eleventh day) eleven molecules(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz

The last words of a chemist:4. … and please keep that test tube alone!5. And now shake it a bit.6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

Test Tubes Bubbling(to the tune of “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire”)Test tubes bubbling in a water bathStrong smells nipping at ypur nose.Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglowWill find it hard to be inert tonight.They know that Chlorine’s on its wayHe’s loaded lots of little electrons on his sleighAnd every student’s slide rule is on the slyTo see if the teacher really can multiply.And so I offer you this simple phraseTo chemistry students in this roomAlthough it’s been said many times, many waysMerry molecules to you.

The last words of a chemist:7. In which glass was my mineral water?8. The bunschen burnes *is* out!9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?