Category: science

REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!- Clark Kent style safety glasses.- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.- The “opportunity” to deal with irate clients asking “where are my results?”- Because it’s pHun :)- Access to 100% pure ethanol- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies- You never have to worry about what you’re doing on Friday night (You’re working in the lab)- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.- ditto for cancer- You are adept at poverty cooking- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

YOU GET IT WET.

‘Lectropositive Mama(tune, Lady Madonna)’Letropositive mama,Cesium on your meat,Wonder how you manage,To stay on your feet.How d’ya stand the smokin’?How d’ya ‘bide the flame?Do you think that life’s justA burnin’ game.Monday night your hunger’s a blue fire,Tuesday morn’ you’re cookin’ ‘fore the sun.Wednesday rain, you’re only flamin’ higher,Having your fun.’Lectropositive mama,Cinders in your curls,No way can compare you,To ordinary girls.Likin’ the explosions,Rock you on your seat.How can any woman handleAll that heat?—Songs of Cesium #47

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.’It will give me time to get away’ said the professor.

The last words of a chemist:22. Something is wrong here…23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?24. Trust me – I know what I am doing.25. And now a cigarette…

It’s So Easy(Tune, It’s so Easy)It’s with Cesium I’m in love!It’s with Cesium I’m in love!People say that I’m a fool,When I take my Cesium into the pool.And it’s so easy,So doggone easy,Yes it’s so easy,Where my love’s concerned,To get myself burned.But it’s with Cesium I’m in love,It’s with Cesium I’m in love!I look into her flame and see,A sky-blue light floodin’ over me.Though it’s so easy,So doggone easy,Yeah it’s so easy,When she’s concerned,To get myself burned.Still it’s with Cesium I’m in love,It’s with Cesium I’m in love!—Songs of Cesium #87

Chemistry WonderlandGases explode, are you listenin’In your rest tube, silver glistensA beautiful sight, we’re happy tonightWalking in a chemistry wonderland.Gone away, is the buoyancyHere to stay, is the densityA beautiful sight, we’re happy tonightWalking in a chemistry wonderland.In the beaker we will make lead carbonateand decide if what’s left is nitrateMy partner asks “Do we measure it in moles or grams?”and I’ll say, “Does it matter in the end?”Later on, as we calculatethe amount, of our nitrateWe’ll face unafraid, the precipitates that we madewalking in a chemistry wonderland.

The last words of a chemist:10. *H* stands for Nitrogen – and that does *not* burn…11. Oh, now I have spilt something…12. First the acid, then the water…

The last words of a chemist:16. O no, wrong beaker…17. The fire alarm is just being tested.18. Now you can take the protection window away…

Hark! The Streptococcus Brings(Melody: “Hark! The Herald = Angels Sing”)Hark! the Streptococcus bringsStrep sore throat to all who sing,Chloraseptic doesn’t cure itOther people’s sneezing lures it.If the strep bug has a virusScarlet fever then arises,Cross reaction with the heartCauses it to come apart,Hark! the Streptococcus totes,Toxin and fire to all it smotes.Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,Mucus fills the lungs with sleazeA viscous greenish oozing cloak,That causes you to gasp and chokeWithout water you can drownIf you breathe the strep germ downHark! The Streptococcus breedsThe misery of a bad diseaseOf fecal strep in food beware,Methane gas befouls the air,Speedily you drop your pantsAs if they held live fire antsOn the toilet you are dyingBent in pain, guts liquefyingHail! the Streptococcus meansGlory to those who would be lean

REAL QUESTIONS ASKED IN SCIENCE CLASSESAre the rivers flowing up the mountain or down the mountain? Is that the ocean? (Asked while on a field trip to Marine Lab Beach on Guam (a small island in the Pacific).How can the river be flowing north? That’s uphill! How can mass wasting be an agent of landscape formation on the Moon? The Moon has no gravity! How do I get water into this beaker?