Category: sci-fi / fantasy

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his first mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on
and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was
on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked,
“Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown
pants!”

A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few
stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head
was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, “Please excuse me for staring but I can’t
help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed but
your head is so small.” The man says, “Buy me a drink and I’ll
tell you.” The drink was bought and the story began.

“I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the
only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a
few miles away. I had been there for several months and was
sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish to
come by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw a
mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and
informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3
wishes.

“Great, I’d like to be rescued.” She slapped the water with her
tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of her
tail and here it is.

Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished
fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it
just wouldn’t work, her being half fish and all, so I said
“Well, how about a little head then?”

What did the Martians ask for when they came to earth?

A marshmallow

An old guy wanted to go on a vacation, but he didn’t have any
money at all. One day while looking around the house for some
cash, he found a magic lamp…when he rubbed it out came a
genie! The genie said for freeing him from his lamp, he will
give him 3 wishes. The old man’s first wish was that he wanted
$1,000,000…POOF! He had a $1,000,000. The second wish was that
he had the coolest convertable in the world…POOF! He had the
coolest convertable in the world. He said he’ll tell the genie
the third wish later. The genie was in the lamp in the backseat
of the convertable while the old guy was driving to the beach.
He turned on the radio…the old guy was so happy, he started
singing to the tune on the radio… “I WISH I were an Oscar
Meyer weinerrrrrr, the bestest weiner I can ever beeeeeee!”
POOF!!!

It was about 2:00 A.M, and a man had just left the bar and was
walking home when he heard steady footsteps behind him. Being a
little nervous, the man began to walk quicker…so the did
footsteps. The man turned around and saw a coffin following
him. He quickened his pace more…and so did the coffin. The
man was now terrified and started to run home. He looked to see
if the coffin was still behind him, and it was. The man was
only a few yards from his front door. When he got to the door,
he opened it, slammed it and locked it. He stood back to look
at the door, not knowing what else to do. The coffin began to
knock on the door forcefully, and all of a sudden, the coffin
broke the door down and came after the man. The man ran
upstairs into the bathroom, slammed and locked the door. The
coffin broke through that door and began opening and shutting
it’s lid at the man. The man looked for something to defend
himself, so he opened the medecine cabinet. The only thing he
could find was a bottle of cough syrup, so he threw it inside
the coffin. The coffin stopped.

After a nasty divorce, this man decides to go on a vacation to
Egypt. While there, he finds a magic lamp and rubs it. A genie
comes about and says, “I’ll give you three wishes, but your
ex-wife will get the same thing that you wish for.”

The man thinks, and says, “I wish for five million dollars.” The
genie says “You know your ex-wife will get the same thing,
right?” The man nods his head, and gets his money.

For his second wish, he wishes for a new computer. Instantly, he
and his ex-wife have a new computer.

The genie asks, “What is your final wish?” The man answers, “I
wish I had a 10-inch dick.”

Q: How does a Martian feel, after he smokes a JOINT?

A: “Spaced Out”!!!!!!!! (Or way far out)

There once was a man who traveled to a strange foreign country,
and while he was there he found a strange old lamp of some sort.
When he got home he polished off the lamp, and out came a genie.
Then the genie said “I’ll give you three wishes, but on one
condition, your mother in law gets twice as much as you wish.”

So the man decided for his first wish that he wanted 1 billion
dollars, so his mother in law (who lived across the street) got
2 billion dollars. For the man’s second wish he decided that he
wanted to have a 200 room mansion, so his mother in law got a
400 room mansion. For the man’s last wish, he took a long time
to think it out, and then he said to the genie, “I wish you
choked me half to death.”