Category: sci-fi / fantasy

A purple alien and a green alien landed on Earth and the first
thing they came to was a gas pump. The purple alien walked up to
it and said, “Take me to your leader”. The green alien said,
“He’s not gonna listen to you, he’s a mean motherfucker.” The
purple alien said, “Yes he will, take me to their leader.” The
green alien said, “I told you he won’t listen, he’s a mean
motherfucker.” The purple alien tried one more time, “TAKE ME TO
YOUR LEADER!” When the gas pump didn’t listen the purple alien
asked the green alien, “How did you know he wouldn’t listen?”
The green alien said “Anyone who can take it out, wrap it around
their neck and stick it in their ear has got to be a mean
motherfucker.”

A man is on safari in the jungle by himself unarmed.(yes, he is
a blonde)A lion suddenly jumps in front of him and roars. The
man immiediately gets on his knees and begins to pray.
“Please,God, dont let this lion eat me.” To his amazement he
sees the lion immidiately get to its knees and starts praying.
“Thank god,” the man says, and leans closer to hear what the
lion is saying. “Thank you God, for this food you have put
before me….”

Why is the Star Ship Enterprise like a toilet roll????

Because it flies around Uranus looking for cling ons!

There were these three guys named Harry Dick and Larry. They
discovered a cave and went inside. To their surprise there was a
genie. The genie said you each can have one wish.

Harry wished to be a butterfly and he flew off into the flowers.

Dick wished to be a dinosaur. So he walked off into the dinosaur
time.

Larry wasn’t paying any attention and wanted to know where his
friends went so he called out, “Harry? Dick?” Larry turned into
a hairy dick.

What did the martians ask for when they came to earth?

Marshmallows

Her: A wee bonnie lass enters the inn, hips swaying seductively in a clear
cry to be adored for the goddess she is, firm young body jiggling in all
the right places, the wafted scent of a undenyable pheromone filling the
air with intoxicating lusts.

Him: The dashing and handsome bard looks at the door falling madly in love
with the most beautiful woman he has seen in the last five minutes.

Her: She casts her mood ring eyes about, at the moment displaying a
pulsating, intense violet.

Him: He stands and bounds across the room, muscles rippling beneath the
rich doublet laying open to showcase a partial view of rock hard pecks
chiseled in aesthetically pleasing tanned skin.

Her: She shakes out her sunset red hair in an enthralling vision of hair
doing hair things, totally unaware that her peasant blouse has fallen to
her elbow laying one luscious curve of a genetically perfect breast in
partial view.

Him: The bard stands before the mystery woman who will bear his children
in two days gaping at the bared flesh like he has never seen one before in
all his life, his pants suddenly three sizes too small.

Her: She looks at him expectantly, sure he will spew an ode to her obvious
beauty and chaste virtues as is only fitting in such a situation.

Him: Thee art the most beautiful femme ah hath ever looked upon.

Her: M’lor’, y’do a wee lass ‘ho ‘as ne’errrrrrrrrr known ‘ha touch o’ a
man’ grrrrrrea’ ‘onor.

Him: He stares at her blankly hoping what she said was good and included
an invitation to bed her in the next five minutes because he has to go to
sleep in thirty minutes

Her: She bats her eyes at him artfully, hoping he notes the fact that they
have changed colors to a brilliant and naughty emerald.

Him: Mayest un homme buyeth thou un boisson?

Her: Aye, y’ken.

Him: Smiling his manly winning smile, he strides over to the bar in two
mighty steps to fetch a pair of glasses with bloodwyne just coincidentally
waiting at the bar for him.

Her: She poses while he is away not wanting anyone in the room to forget
that her blouse is falling off quite unbeknownst to her.

Him: He returns and hands her a glass.

Her: She takes it making sure to touch his hand while at the same time
pretending it was him doing the touching.

Him: Cherie, thee art most winsome. Je t’aime toujour.

Her: Th’ cannae b’trrrrue m’lor’. I be a wee virrrrrrgin ‘ho coul’ n’r
‘ope t’be loved b’ ‘he likes o’ y’.

Him: He blinks at her deciding she just gave him deflowering rights.

Her: Her luminescent eyes fill with tears while turning blue and she
begins to cry hoping it will make everyone in the room pay attention to
her and entice him to take her in a passionate embrace

Him: Unable to handle the idea of his fiance suddenly reduced to tears, he
takes her up into his all powerful arms, checking the room quickly for his
three other betrothed.

Her: She can feel her bountiful chest crushed to the bare part of his,
body still trembling with the tears

Him: Sips his wyne

Her: Sips her wyne

Him: Ma coeur, thee art most beauteous. Tis a sin foreth such perfection
to cry so.

Her: She lifts her tear stained face that suffered from no puffiness nor
snot slime, coffee brown eyes filled with raw sensuality, lips parted
invitingly.

Him: He presses his heated lips to hers to kiss her like she has never
been kissed before, half because now he can take her to a PR and half
because he is afraid she will open her mouth and say something else he
won’t get.

Her: Sips wyne

Him: Sips wyne

Her: She presses into his kiss, tongue tangling with his in a mystic,
erotic dance

Him: He holds her tightly in his arms even still, checking out a really
hot elf who just walked in

Her: Finally, she breaks the kiss, blushing terribly because she never
does anything like this

Him: Bien sur, willest thee come to mah Castle to continue?

Her: ‘ow darrrre y’tr’t m’like som common slut ‘ho onl’ wan’s t’ ‘ump like
a couple o’ rrrrrrrrrra’i’s!

Him: He looks at her blandly, wondering if she caughted him staring at the
elvish babe but trying to find a way to salvage the situation so he can
still score

Her: She slaps him resoundedly on the face

Him: So, thee dost liketh it rough, non?

Her: (You are SUCH a Newbie!!!! Shots him with Ignore Ray)

Him: (What a Snert Slaps an ignore on her sagging middle aged butt)

There was once an English man, an Irish man and a Scottish man
and there was this magical slide. The Genie of the slide said to
them, “I grant you a wish when you slide down this magical
slide.”

The English man slid down the slide and shouted “GOLD!!!” and he
landed in a pile of gold.

The Irish man slid down the slide shouted “SILVER!!!” and landed
in a pile of silver.

The Scottish man went down the slide and thought it was fun so
he said “WEE!!!” and landed in a puddle of wee.

There were three guys who were in a plane crash: an American, a
Japanese guy, and a Filipino. Luckily, when the plane went down,
they were the only three to make it out of the wreck and onto
the raft. Continuing on their lucky streak, the ocean currents
brought them to an island, which they later determined to be
uninhabited by humans. Not only that, but it was beautiful! Mild
climate, lush vegitation, plenty of small game for food, clean,
freshwater streams and waterfalls, no real predatory creatures,
plenty of beaches, you get the idea… It was a virtual paradise.

Well, three months later, as they were all taking a swim at one
of the many beaches, the saw something floating in the water,
and it turned out to be a lamp! As the story goes, you rub the
lamp and out comes a genie. So this they did, and lo and behold!
A genie! He said:

“I can only grant three wishes. Since there are three of you, I
will grant one wish to each of you.” The three men were
overjoyed at their good fortune.

The American said, “Hmm, you know, I really like it here on this
island. It’s very serene and clean and all that, not like New
York. But I do miss the night life back in the big apple,
especially my girlfriend… I WISH I WAS BACK IN A NEW YORK IN A
BAR WITH A COLD BEER IN ONE HAND AND MY GIRL IN THE OTHER!!!!!”
And the genie granted him his wish, and the American dissapeared
in a cloud of smoke.

The Japanese guy said, “Hmm! Good island! Very nice! Me like,
but no family! Miss family! Must go back and be with family! I
wish to be in Tokyo with family!” And so the genie granted his
wish, and the Japanese guy dissapeared in a cloud of smoke.

The Filipino guy said, “Well, I guess I’d go home, but then
again I have no family, I’ve been gone for three months which
means that I probably lost my job, and well, Manila is so
crowded and polluted and messed up. Maybe I’ll just stay here.
After all, it is nice here… Nut then i’d get lonely being here
by myself… Geee, I wish those two guys were back…”

Three guys are walking down a beach. One of them trips on a
bottle. They pick it up and a genie pops out. “I’m a powerful
genie, I’ll grant each one of you a wish!”

The guys think for a while, and the first one goes: “I want to
be two times as smart as I am right now!” Genie says “okay” and
the guy’s smarter.

The second guy goes: “I want to be 3 times as smart as I am
right now!” Genie agrees and the guy becomes smarter.

The third guy thinks for a while, then he says: “I don’t care
about 2 or 3, I want to be FIVE times as smart as I am right
now!” Genie looks at him, frowns a bit, and says: “Are you sure
about this?” The guy goes, “Yeah, that’s my wish”

Genie: “Are you really sure that’s what you want?”
Guy: “Yeah, yeah, cut the talk, just grant the wish.”
Genie: “Okay.”

And the guy became a woman.

It was time for St. Peter’s annual three-week vacation, and
Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

“It’s no big deal,” St. Peter explained. “Just sit at the
registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her
life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings.”

On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man
standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him
something about himself.

“I’m a simple carpenter,” said the old man. “And once I had a
son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone
else in the world. He went through a great transformation even
though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me
a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the
world people tell his story.”

By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched.
There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man.
“Dad…” he cried, “it’s been so long.”

The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a
moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his
head, looked at Jesus again and said, “Pinocchio?”

Q: Why do UFO’s land in remote areas?

A: Ask yourself! If you had to travel LIGHT YEARS to get to Earth and had
to take a piss. Would YOU land in a populated city and whip out your SPACE
GUN in front of everyone!!!!!!

A man walked out into the street and got hit by a car, he was
a devious man who sinned all of the time. He died, and when he
got to his after life he said, “ohhh….. this must be heaven.”
There were many beautiful, naked women and many bottles of rum.
He saw a man standing behind the counter so he went up to him
and said…, “sir this must be heaven because of all the naked
women and rum, and heaven is a wonderful place so this is
heaven.”
The man replied “no no no you got it all wrong this is hell.”
The man replied but “How is that possible? look at all the naked
women and rum.”
The man behind the counter said, “I am the devil and all of the
bottles of rum have holes in the bottom of them……and the the
women do not.”