Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.158. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a

smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to

sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied

indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here,

give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn’t a problem.

What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number Explanation ———- ———– 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timecard 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use 8002 Liquid Lunch 8100 Reading e-mail 8101 Distributing humorous e-mails

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.

As one teacher noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”

“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

“To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.”

“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.”

“The parts of speech are lungs and air.”

“The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.”

“A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.”

“A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.”

“The general direction of the Alps is straight up.”

“A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.”

“Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.”

“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.”

“The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.”

“We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.”

“One of the main causes of dust is janitors.”

“A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.”

“The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.”

“The climate is hottest next to the Creator.”

“Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.”

“The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.”

“In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.”

“Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.”

“In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.”

“One by-product of raising cattle is calves.”

“Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.”

Rather strict English teacher also had the responsibility of teaching
�homemaking,� as home economics used to be called. The teacher noticed a student
carefully applying lipstick and powder, rather than doing her home ec lesson.
�Jenny,� said the teacher, �you pay more attention to your makeup than you do
to your homemaking lessons.�
�Well, said Jenny, �before I can home make, I have to catch someone with
whom.�

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Professor Granger addressed his class: “If there are any dumbbells in the
room, please stand up.”

After a long pause, a lone freshman stood.

“And why do you consider yourself a dumbbell?” asked the professor.

“Well, I don’t, sir. But I hate to see you standing all by yourself.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.138. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”

The teacher asked that if anyone thinks they are stupid to stand up. The class is shocked when they see Nick stand up. The teacher asks Nick “why are you standing up?” Nick replies: “I didn’t want you to feel alone”

25 Differences Between College And High School

In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder. In college, on both.

In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.

In college, there are no tardy slips.

In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.

In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.)

In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose. That is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.

In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.

In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration. In college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.

In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.

In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.

In college, weekends start on Thursday.

In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

Once you’ve obtained the information described in #16, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”

In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.

In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

College men are cuter than high school boys (or college woman are developed).

College women are legal.

In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.

In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.

In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.114. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that “It’s a jungle out there.” Get your roommate to bring you food and water.