Category: school

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?

“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?”

“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabbie replied, “Fifteen bucks.”

The businessman said “ok” and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

Late For Work

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, “Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?”

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
“My lawyer.”

yo mamma so fat i told her it was chilly outside so she went and got a bowl.

Funny Sign:
“Teacher Strikes Idle Kids”

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M”
of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set “M”. The set
“C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points
than set “M”. Represent the set “C” as a subset of set
“M” and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves
its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital
gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his
stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no
longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on
benefits and when demand for their product is down the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and
medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50
an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to
its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the
rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its
remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the
spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable
trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the
company from all federal regulation. What is the
return on investment of the lobbying costs?

Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent.

At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. The Ides of March murdered Caesar because they thought he was going to be made king. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.

Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense.

The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

One day an officer is visiting a Russian school. He comes up to little Lovya.
“Who is your mother, little boy?”
“Mother Russia.”
“And who is your father?”
“Comrade Stalin.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“An orphan.”

15> You just can’t get your day going without the morning announcements and Pledge of Allegiance.

14> Despite your having the hottest live dorm sex-cam on campus, the other kids at BYU just don’t seem to accept you.

13> Forget the kegger with the Tri-Delts this Friday — you’ve got some Ruminations to write!

12> Passing high school chemistry by sleeping with your teacher worked well, but the irony of passing freshman ethics by sleeping with your teacher is driving you nuts.

11> “Aww, c’mon guys. We just went out drinking last night!”

10> That backpack you made out of your blankie isn’t fooling anyone.

9> Your fraternity brothers are doubting your claim that the rubber sheets are due to an allergy to cotton.

8> You’re anxious to find out if you got an A on your cat-dissection project. But you’re not taking a biology class, and your art professor seems to be avoiding you.

7> Due to a misunderstanding, your cramming for exams involves K-Y Jelly.

6> You think “carrying a full load” means you haven’t had a girlfriend in awhile.

5> Animal Husbandry isn’t exactly what you expected when you signed up for it.

4> The good news: You have a 3.5 average. The bad news: That’s your blood alcohol content.

3> You feel so awkward and unpopular that you quit the Young Republicans and join the Junior Reform Party.

2> The friendly wager you made with your new roommate about who would score first apparently has nothing to do with your Pokemon skills.

1> Your mother turns on Dateline’s story about college binge drinking just in time to see you vomit on Jane Pauley.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
“You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.”
“He’s an asshole – piss on him!”
“You did,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday!”

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions: ‘For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!’

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“How’s that?” the would be accountant asked.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much will my position pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty five thousand,” responded the owner decisively.

“Eighty five thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry. Now get to fuckin’ work!”