Category: school

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn’t very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.

Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room.

This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class. Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn’t help him at all.

He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said “pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room”.

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty … almost an hour after the test was “officially over”, our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.

“What do you think you’re doing?” the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited)

It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.

“Turning in my exam,” retorted the student confidently.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you,” the professor gloated, “Your exam is an hour late. You’ve FAILED it and, consequently, I’ll see you next term when you repeat my course.”

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor “Do you know who I am?”

“What?” replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, “Do you know what my name is?”

“NO”, snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, “I didn’t think so”, as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Talks with God.
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if a special request is honored.
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Treads water.
Talks to animals.
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually.
Rides the rails.
Plays Russian Roulette.
Walks on thin ice.
Prays a lot.
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls.
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says “Look at the choo-choo”.
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself THE DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
She IS God.

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes, I was a salesman in the country” said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”.

“One,” said the young salesman.

“Only one,” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

“Three hundred thousand dollars,” said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” answered the salesman, “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Your weekend’s shot, you may as well go fishing.'”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

one day sally was jumping on railroad tracks saying 21, 21, 21 then she sees a blonde and asks if she wants to jump with her and the blonde said sure so they are jumping and saying 21, 21, 21 and a train starts to come and sally jumps off and the blonde continues to jump the train kills her and then sally gets up and starts jumping again an is saying 22, 22, 22.

by Stephen R.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1. Religion 2. Royalty 3. Sex 4. Mystery
The prize-winning essay read:

‘My God,” said the Queen, “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it!”

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – “and how much money do you make a week?”

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $
200.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – “here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – “does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters – “Pizza delivery guy”.

One day little Johnny saw a girl at school he told her to come to his house after school. But she said I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. Johnny said o come on nothing can happen.When they got there he said “lets go to my room” she then said I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He said “I want to show you something” she went up and he said get in my bed nude she said “I don’t think that’s such a good idea” he said “oh come on I wont do anything.”He said “can I put my finger in your belly button” she didn’t question because she knew he would get his way. Next thing happened and she said “that’s not my belly button” he said “I know and that’s not my finger.”

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.The Pickle says, “You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.The Cucumber says, “Yeah, you think that’s bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.The Penis says, “You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The new teacher at the boys school was Miss Franny and she was disturbed to find that even the headmaster made a mistake and welcomed her as Miss Fanny.

“The name is Franny” she said coldly

“Sorry” said the headmaster who made a mental note not to forget the “r”.

He escorted her to her new class. “Good morning boys,” he said, “I would like to introduce you to Miss Crunt.”

A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the frequency
of sex that could still be considered normal. “Many people find that sex every
other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy, and that’s fine. Yet others want
to make love nightly, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Let’s take an
informal survey of this class. Don’t be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How
many people here make love more than twice a week?”
A few hands shot up.
“Twice a week?”
A few more hands.
“Weekly, on average?”
Many hands.
“Once every two weeks?” he continued and, “Once a month?” and “Once every
several months?” and finally, “Once a year?”
At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly. “Pardon my
curiosity,” the professor asked, “But if you only make love once a year, why are
you so excited over it?”
Replied the student, “Tonight’s the night!”