Category: school

* You’re so tired, that you now answer the phone, “Hell” instead of Hello.
* Mom calls to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my
back, bitch!”
* When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster
song: “C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me…”
* You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because
you just don’t care.
* You’ve got so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.
* Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when
the nightly fire alarm goes off.
* You sleep more in class than at home.
* You leave for a party and instinctively bring your book bag.
* Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
* You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now!
* Your favorite phrase is “I don’t give a s@#$.”
* The McDonald’s people know you by name and know your order from your late
night study breaks.
* You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% on the final
to pass than the time you have actually spent studying.
* When you start showering after class rather than before.
* The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.
* When the campus drunk tells you that you should study more.
* When your favorite paperweight says “Bud Light.”
* When your absence exceeds your attendance.
* When your study schedule is based on the rationale that you “might” actually
die before the test!

Running out of toothpaste
getting deodorant in your eyes

getting drunk and trying to chug a lava lamp

poorly done tattoos

gasps of amazement

puking so hard you break blood vessels in your face

white pants or shorts

hats that make your head sweat and itch

cordless phones that randomly hang up on people

heart shaped pancakes

having to reuse snotty tissues

torn shirts

striped ties

loud vaccums that don’t suck at all

the word ‘moustache’

poorly designed furniture

sham celebrations

purple coats

sacrifical lambs

oversized earrings

pink staplers

bras that are impossible to get off

feng shui

rusty spikes in your bed

waking up in your own shit

Sheep stomachs used as hats

Your phone rings and before you get it, it stops.

flutes

creatures that are half man and half fawn who bounce around calling you “Lucy”

pimples on the palms of your hands

having to bathe in dirty water that was used to wash dogs three weeks ago

the sound of your walkman slowing down the tape you’re listening to

dead people whispering at you in the night

burrowing elks who ruin your basement

dreaming that you get shot just before meeting Mike Patton

trying to touch the sky and falling down

barking dogs outside your place that bark all damn day long and then start barking at each other,

then bark at the trees, then cars, then kids, and then each other again.

open houses during the rainy season

hair gel that drips from the ceiling

dirty sinks

being cremated when you were just sleeping

having your mom wake you and you fell asleep nude, surrounded in porno magazines

and pictures of the ‘golden girls’ from tv.

running out of dishes and being forced to finally do them

monkey brain bits in your sandwich

being told that ‘that’s just the way life is’

lilies

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked
man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed
that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.
The professor commented, “Oh, no, I wanted it the other way.”
She replied, “What other way?”

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

“Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said, “No.”

“Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”
“No.”
“The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”
“No”, said the son.

“On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!”

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read
on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down,
okay?

Well, then, I’m getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick
headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in
the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. It’s really a
basement room, and it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married.

We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins
to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I
know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor
infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my
“down there” but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated,he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease
and there is no miscegenation in my
life. However, I am getting a “D” in history and an “F” in science, and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter, Kimberly!

The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend
college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers
for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You
suddenly realize you don’t have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two
that don’t make your eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own
wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you
thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you’ll need to find a roommate. The
most important feature in a roommate is:
a. They don’t own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn’t to prove heterosexuality is vastly
overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin’ rock, they are referring to
an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
d. They don’t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says “cockroaches are people
too.”
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it’s
two hours before the paper is due and you haven’t even written the first line.
You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, “What if Shakespeare was born a pig?” You
rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, “Piglet.”
c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole’ days
when it wasn’t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new
friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what
you’re made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before
big tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn’t begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn’t necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which
of the following is the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a
catchers mitt and screaming, “food fight!”
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your
glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting
off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans.
This has the added benefit of insuring you won’t have any friends who’ll try to
talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it’s crucial that, on your
college application you don’t mention:
a. In high school you were voted “most likely to become a political
prisoner.”
b. You haven’t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled
your Prozac dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A
for effort.
7) It’s a generally considered a bad sign if:
a. You’re asked to pledge “Geek.”
b. MIT tells you they’ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football
scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a
Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you’re best qualified to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you’ve never passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I’m just checking whether you’re paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams,
be sure to impress the interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the
country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations
and the New World Order, and how you’ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb
out of old newspapers and Hershey’s syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations.
In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your
first class.)
d. All of the below.
Scoring your test:
For each A – add 5 points.
For each B – divide by 1.377 points.
For each C – multiply by 0 points.
For each D – subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled – See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health
practitioner immediately!

hey do you know what the teacher said to do no what? have a sandwitch

The discovery of fly in the soup can mean different reponses to different diners in different countries. In France the soup if eaten and the fly is left high and dry on the side of the plate. In Enlgand the fly is quietly and discreetly removed and hidden under a serviette. In Australia the soup is sent back to the kitchen, the fly is removed and the same soup returned. In America the soup and the fly are subpoenaed as evidence for the ensuing litigation. In Italy the diner storms into the kitchen and cuts up the chef. In the Orient the fly is eaten first and washed down by the soup. In Scotland the fly is wrung out and then the soup is consumed. In Israel the bill is quickly amended. The fly is extra. In India the diner complains; “Waiter, what’s this? Only one fly?”

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, “Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.”

“Great!,” responds the interviewer… we give disabled Vet preference. “You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.”

“But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?”, asks the guy.

“Yes, but you don’t have to come in until 10…
All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.

The Shoplifter…

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

“Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either.
What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend.
Can you show me something less expensive?”

Kyle and Emmitt, two University of Miami students, were strolling along Miami
Beach during spring break. Suddenly a seagull flying overhead dropped a load.

It hit Kyle right in the eye.

“I’ll go get some toilet paper,” offered Emmett.

“Don’t bother,” said Kyle, “He’s probably already miles away by now!”