Category: school

A mother asked her son, Joey, why he was home so early from school?

Joey: I was the only one who could answer a question.

Mom: What was the question?

Joey: Who threw the eraser at the principal.

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word “dog” in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix “dog.”
Steven raised his hand and said, “Sure, Miss Jones, a collie-flower!”

A man goes into a bar on the Shankill road with his pet crocodile. He asks “do you serve catholics?”The bartender replies “Yes, we’re very open-minded here. what can I get you?”The man replies “A pint of Guinness and 2 catholics for the crocodile.”

Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?

A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

• No one fails a class anymore, he’s merely “passing impaired.”
• You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit delayed.”
• Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”
• These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”
• Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”
• Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “soaial speed bumps.”
• Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
• You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”
• You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
• You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
• You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-rententive athletic footwear.”
• No one’s tall anymore. He’s “vertically enhanced.”
• You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
• You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
• You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”
• You’re not being sent to the principals office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”
• It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”
• The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”

A gal from the South and a gal from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The gal from the South, being friendly and all, said:”So, where ya’ll from?”The Northern gal said, ”From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”The gal from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: ”So, where ya’ll from, bitch?”

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
5. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
6. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy.”
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

“When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you’re talking to them.”

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says, “There’s a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!”

“Oh thank you very much!” says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break, “And remember to put some poetry into it” he says.

Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as he’s about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.

“Can I help you?” he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies :

“Hang on Miss, I’m dying for a piss, but I’ll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you’ve turned into Gumby.

WORLD’S EASIEST
QUIZ!

FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WILL NEVER MAKE “WHO WANTS TO BE A

MILLIONAIRE”

OR EVEN “THE WEAKEST LINK”…HERE’S THE WORLD’S

EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing

requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

5)

What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific

are named after what

animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done? Check your answers below!

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ANSWERS TO THE

QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country

makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep

and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The

Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what

animal? Dogs

7)

What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple

finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

WHAT

DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED?!!##!!!

So did I…….