Category: school

Q: What state is round on each side and high in the middle?

A:Ohio!!

College Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab,playing XTrek and drinking
Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via the ‘net if you can
manage it.Become passionately involved only in the continuing
IBM/Commodore/Macintosh debate.

Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight
Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee…at least five cups an hour. Interact
only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately
involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which
wasn’t your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from
the beginning.

15. Entire library stock replaced by 50,000 copies of “Yes, I Can” by Sammy Davis, Jr.

14. Half-dozen recently-extracted tongues stapled to the “Quiet Please” sign.

13. Recommends Kato Kaelin’s book.

12. Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.

11. Library only has two sections: “Limbaugh” and “Liddy.”

10. Inserts boudoir photos of herself in copies of Gray’s Anatomy.

9. When you ask for an appendix, she winks suggestively and shows you her scar.

8. Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the “Rod of Literary Tardiness”.

7. Files Art Buchwald under “Humor”

6. Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the video store parking lot.

5. No matter what book you ask for, she hands you a piece of toast and a Q-tip.

4. Uses the “Dewer’s Decimal System”, which involves regular belts of scotch.

3. Instead of a simple “Shhhh”, uses a bullhorn to say, “One more sound and I cap yo’ ass!”

2. Flashes patrons and yells, “Hey! Check *this* out!”

1. Leans over to whisper something and bites off half of your right ear.

Students, take note:
Knowledge is power …
But power corrupts …
And corruption is a crime …
And crime doesn’t pay …
So if you keep on studying you’ll go broke!

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks –
“W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.

What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps at thin air?
Collecting his thoughts.

How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb in the South?

At Vanderbilt it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain how
they did it every bit as well as any ivy leaguer.

At Georgia it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend
at Georgia Tech and get instructions.

At Florida it takes four. One to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how
to get high off the old one.

At Alabama it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Bear would
have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Auburn students.

At Ole Miss it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three
to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU it takes seven. And each one gets credit for four semester hours for
it.

At Kentucky it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much
brighter it shines during basketball season.

At Tennessee it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an
orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how
Phillip Fulmer is too stupid to do it.

At Mississippi State it takes fifteen. One to screw in the bulb, two to buy
the Skoal, and twelve to shout, “GO TO HELL OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!!!”

At Auburn it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it
better than Bama, and 50 who realize it’s all a lie.

At South Carolina it takes 80,000. One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss
how this will finally be the year they have good football team.

At Arkansas it takes none. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

�Now my motto in life,� said the school chaplain, �is work hard, play hard and
pray hard. How about you, Harriet?�
�My motto is let bygones be bygones.�
�That�s good. Why did you choose that?�
�Then I wouldn�t have to take any history classes!�

A school inspector came to Vovochka’s class and sat with him in the first row.
The young female teacher writes a problem on the chalkboard:
“2×2=”, accidently drops the chalk and bends over to pick it up.
– So, kids? Vovochka?
– What an ass!!!
– Get out and return with your parents!!!
Vovochka, leaving the classroom, to the inspector:
– And you, if you don’t know, don’t hint!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.128. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”