Category: school

Whould you still know me in 5 minutes?Yes
How about 10 minutes? Yes
How about 1 year? Yes
How about 10 years? Yes
Ok…knock, knock!
Whos there?
What you dont know me?!
I thought you would know me!

CONTRIBUTIONS

Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society. When my turn came, I answered, “Blondes!”

INGENUITY

In one class, the Professor asked anyone to explain how they would measure the height of a building using an Aneroid Barometer. One student, short of knowledge but long on ingenuity replied, “I would lower the barometer on a string and measure the string.”

CAPITAL GAIN?

The professor of an economics class asked for an example of unremunerative outlay of capital. One student replied, “Taking one’s sister out to dinner and the movies.”

INCIDENTALLY

Jumping back in time again, when I was attending the University of Maryland, I was asked by the bursar’s office to pay a $20 “Incidental Fee.” I asked them how many incidents that entitled me to.

DROWN ME

A soft whistle came from the rear of the chemistry lab as a really curvaceous coed in a tight-fitting outfit walked across the front of the room. “Relax,” said the whistler’s partner, “She’s three-fourths water.” “Yeah!” came the enthusiastic reply, “But what surface tension!”

COACH

A coach was being congratulated on getting a lifetime contract at a famous medical school. “I guess it’s all right,” he said, “but the last time when the coach had a bad year, the President called him to his office, pronounced him dead, and fired him.”

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: “Is this a question?” – Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: “If that is a question, then this is an answer.”

The student received an “A” on the exam.

Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

Q: Why don’t they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.

The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she’s history.

How many sorority girls does it take to change a tire?

Two – One to call daddy and the other to make a t-shirt about the event.

The following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from MIT, and the reply that he sent them. Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.
April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 9;;;;,-;;;;,

Dear John:

You’ve got the grades. You’ve certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you’ve got a letter from MIT. Maybe you’re surprised. Most students would be.

But you’re not most students. And that’s exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering’s not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don’t want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it’s also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative – inside and outside the classroom.

You’re interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams – 39 – than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we’re too expensive? Don’t be too sure. We’ve got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions

P.S. If you’d like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, “Insight,” just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke MIT Director of Admissions Office of Admissions, Room 3-108 Cambridge MA 02139-;;;;,

Dear Michael:

You’ve got the reputation. You’ve certainly got the pomposity. And now you’ve got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you’re surprised. Most universities would be.

But you’re not most universities. And that’s exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan’s future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don’t want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don’t want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I’m also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing – whether you’re laughing with him or at him.

You’re interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports – 47 – than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don’t be too sure. I’ve got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan

P.S. If you’d like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, “John Mongan: What a Guy!” just ask.

John never got a reply.

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic: “Has anyone in this class heard God?”

Nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class touched God?”

Again, nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class seen God?”

When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: “Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?”

Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?”

silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

by Robert ChenYou should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.32. Yell to someone walking by, “I’ll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts.”33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under “o” or “j.”34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play “Faces of Death.” Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don’t be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.36. Go up to someone you don’t know and say, “Can I toast your buns?”37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you’ll chew more.38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that you’re charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they’re not real Froot Loop eaters.39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.40. “Pass the pepper and salt, please.”

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?

Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have falled deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boy friend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no colored man in my life.

However, I am getting a ‘D’ in history and an ‘F’ in science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Trish

Ok. This kid has to learn the first two letters of th alphabet so goes to his little brother who was watching batman so the kid asks “little bro what’s the first letter of the alphabet?”” and his brother sings “”dunnadunnalunnalunna BATMAN!!!”” and then the kid goes to his other friend and says “”what’s the second letter of the alphabet?”” and his friend says “”dunnadunnalunnalunna FATMAN!!!”” so the next day the kid goes to school and says “”the first letter of the alphabet is dunnadunnalunnalunna BATMAN!!!”” and his teacher tells him to go to the princeable. and at the princeable’s office the princeable asks “”who do you think I AM???!!!”” and the kid sings out “”DUNNADUNNALUNNALUNNA FATMAN!!!””

“

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking.

So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, “Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky.”

The man smiles and says,”Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away.” So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away.

The manager frowns, “Sir, I’m sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don’t like the look of all those condoms.”

The man chuckles, “Oh, I’m no womanizer… but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?”

There was a man who emmbassy for Visa and he was asked to use green ,pink and yellow to form a sentence and he wonderfully said: one day he was in the house and the telephone was greengreen and pink and he said yellow