Category: school

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a
cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.
“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important
to learn a foreign language?”

A professor gives a lecture in the college. After the long lecture he asks:
“Any questions?”
A voice from the rear desk:
“Are the glasses free on your table?”

How do you keep an Oklahoma State student busy for a month?
Give him a package of M & M’s and tell him to alphabetize them.

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because
he ran out of it. His mom said, “Sure, sweetie. I’ll will send you some money.
You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want
me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, okay,” responded the kid.
So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to
the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, her husband asked, “Well how much did you give the boy his
time?”
She said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out
to him.”
“That’s $1020!” yelled her husband. Are you crazy?”
“Don’t worry, Hon,” she said. “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book,
but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!”

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems,
but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.
“Are you feeling OK?” he asked.
“Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I
meet,” she admitted. “Is there a name for my condition?”
“Why yes, there is,” he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to
the couch. “It’s called ‘Good News’.”

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them
names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your
roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and
then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to
your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your
roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look
at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger
every day. Look at it and say, “The hair, it’s growing.
Growing!”

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon,
soon….”

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of
the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room.
Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for
you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you
can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh,
yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up
for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the
ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor,
hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor.
Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of
it, and then say, “Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?”
Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re
back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for
five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and
saying, ”Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse
to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them
suffer.”

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.31. Watch the professor through binoculars. 32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall. 33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout. 34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!” 35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent. 36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering. 37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway. 38. Claim that you wrote the class text book. 39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!” 40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy”.

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. “Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.”

“But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.” “Well, what did it say?” ask the storekeeper. “‘Congratulations on your new location’.” was the reply.

Why does the wind always go west to east in Wyoming?

Because Nebraska sucks and Idaho blows.

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

Afro-American Speak — Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
Irish-American Speak — Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak — Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak — Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak — Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak — Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak — Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak — Zionics
Russian-American Speak — Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak — Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak — Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak — Harpoonics
German-American Speak — Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
Candain-American Speak — EH?onics
Florida Democratic Voters Speak — Moronics

33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room

The aircraft was flying into Honolulu when the man in the window seat spoke to his fellow passenger for the first time. “How do you pronounce it, Hawaii or Havaii?””Havaii,” said the passenger. “Thanks.””You’re velcome.”