Category: school

Now this really is in poor taste…The Allies have decided to take action against Saddam Hussein.The Americans are sending 10,000 troops and two aircraft carriers.The French are sending 4,000 Legionaries.The British are sending 250 teenage au-pairs.

University: ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.

__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.

__6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.

__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:
____Males
____Jews
____Blacks
____Females
____Catholics
____Whites
____Protestants
____Moslems
____Minorities
____Chicanos
____People
____Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
____mono
____broken baby finger
____acute alcoholism
____pregnancy
____VD
____fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:
____too detailed to pick out important points
____not explained in sufficient detail
____too boring
____all jokes and not enough material
____all of the above

__17. This course was:
____too early, I was not awake.
____at lunchtime, I was hungry
____too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other__________________________________

Bay Area Native Quiz Want to know if someone is a native of the San FranciscoBay Area? Want to find out if you qualify yourself? Takethe following quiz and find out!1) Complete the following phrase: Dublin, Berkeley, San Lorenzo, Cupertino, __________ 2) Name the five bridges that cross San Francisco Bay. Extra credit: put them in order from north to south. Extra extra credit: explain how to get across the Golden Gate Bridge during rush hour in less than an hour.3) Complete the following phrase: 2400 Mission, top of the hill, __________4) You’re at a San Francisco Spiders hockey game at the Cow Palace. (True: a team called ‘the Spiders’ play at a place called ‘the Cow Palace.’ Go figure.) A woman comes out to sing the Star Spangled Banner wearing a huge hat with a model of the entire financial district, including the TransAmerica building, on top of it. Your response is: a) ‘Hey, look at that idiot wearing the dorky hat!’ b) ‘Hey, look at that woman wearing the cool hat!’ c) ‘Hey, Beach Blanket Babylon!’5) Explain the following joke: ‘I don’t want to call her ugly, but whenever I say ‘TV 20,’ she turns her head.’6) Which of the following is your typical response to an earthquake? a) ‘Earthquake! We’re all gonna die!’ b) ‘Earthquake! Great! Now I don’t have to go into work today.’ c) ‘Earthquake? We had an earthquake today? I didn’t feel it.’ 7) Match up the following people with the phrases/shows they’re associated with: a) Bob Wilkins 1) Baghdad-by-the-Bay b) Pat McCormick 2) Creature Feature c) Herb Caen 3) Sacratomato d) Dr. Donald D. Rose 4) Dialing for Dollars 8) If someone asked you how to drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles, what would be your response? a) Get onto 101 south and take it all the way. b) Take 80 east to 580 east to 5 south, then take it all the way. c) Los Angeles? Why do you want to go to Los Angeles?9) Which of the following is NOT, repeat NOT, a valid name for a Bay Area sports stadium, and I don’t care how much money they paid? a) Oakland Coliseum b) San Jose Arena c) Candlestick Park d) 3Com Park10) The word ‘Frisco’ is: a) A cute little nickname for that city we also know as ‘San Francisco.’ b) A really annoying shortening of ‘San Francisco,’ no doubt started by Southern Californians who can’t say words longer than two syllables. c) The result of a satanic plot. d) Beats me. Never heard the word before in my life. 11) The little man is on the edge of the chair, clapping wildly; the little man is sitting in the chair and clapping; the little man is sitting in the chair and leaning forward; the little man is asleep in the chair; and the chair is empty. What did I just describe?12) In referring to a general region of the Bay Area, whichof the following terms is never used? What is that areacalled instead? a) Marin b) West Bay c) East Bay d) South Bay13) BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) is not in fact rapidtransit for the entire Bay Area. For instance, it doesn’trun to Milpitas (but can you blame them?) Which of thefollowing is another city that BART doesn’t currentlyserve? a) Richmond b) Fremont c) Daly City d) San Jose14) Which of the following would you be likely to seepeople wearing at Bay to Breakers? a) running shorts b) an Elvis costume c) a fancy ball gown d) a fancy ball gown worn by a male e) all of the above—————————————————–Answers:1) San Jose2) From north to south: Richmond-San Rafael Bridge Golden Gate Bridge Bay Bridge San Mateo Bridge Dumbarton Bridge Extra extra credit question answer: walk 3) Daly City4) ‘c’5) It means she’s a dog (if you still don’t get it, ask a native to explain it to you)6) ‘c’7) Bob Wilkins — Creature Feature Pat McCormick — Dialing for Dollars Herb Caen — Baghdad-by-the-Bay Dr. Donald D. Rose — Sacratomato 8) ‘c’9) ‘d’10) ‘b,’ ‘c,’ or ‘d’11) The movie rating system in the pink section of the San Francisco Chronicle.12) ‘b’ — it’s called the Peninsula13) ‘d’ (Can you believe it? San Jose doesn’t have BART. Neither does the entire Peninsula south of Daly City. It’s a conspiracy by those CalTrain people, I just know it.) 14) ‘e’========================================================Scoring:12-14 correct — you’re a true Bay Area native. Feel freeto look down on Los Angeles with pride. (You probablyalready do.)8-11 correct — you’ve probably lived in or near the BayArea for awhile, but you’re not yet a true native. You mayoccasionally leave the water running, or throw out youraluminum cans. Keep trying and you’ll get bettereventually.4-7 correct — You know a couple of things about the BayArea, but you’re far from being a native. Probably some ofwhat you did get right were just lucky guesses. Go back toLos Angeles (even if you’re not from there).0-3 correct — forget it. Don’t kid yourself. You’re noteven a Californian, let alone a Bay Area native. Go backto Wisconsin. If you’re not from there, you might as wellbe.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.20. Move your mouth when you’re silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.

On the television show “The Simpsons” Bart can occasionally be seen writing on the blackboard as punishment, a sentence hundreds of times. The sentences change all the time. Since Bart is a rather naughty ten year old boy (sort of like Johnny in the Little Johnny Jokes), the sentences take on a life of their own.

Simpson’s Chalk Board Writings

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr.
Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “she’s dead” at roll call.
The principals toupee is not a frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the four foodgroups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes bart a dull boy.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by the one armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The pledge of allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not waste chalk.
I will never win an Emmy.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese
businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some
American history.” Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me death?”
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his
hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” said the boy.
“Now,” said the teacher, “who said ‘Government of the people, by the people,
for the people shall not perish from the earth?”
Again, no response except from Toshiba: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new
to our country, knows more about it than you do.”
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper:
“Damned Japanese.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,” he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba’s classroom
superiority, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna throw up.”
Teacher says “Who said that?”.
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says “George Bush to Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Well, suck my….”
Once again, it’s Toshiba with the answer, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,
1997.”

Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M
on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to
death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, “Do
you have any final words, son?”

“Yeah, drop dead!” snapped the Wolverine.

Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The
executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant
blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim’s throat.

“It’s God’s will! Let him go!” cried the judge.

Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked
again, “And what are your final remarks, my boy?”

“Go to hell!” shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp
blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy’s
neck. “It’s the will of God!” exclaimed the judge. “Set him free!”

Finally the Texan was put into position. “Before you’re beheaded,” said the
judge, “do you have any last words?”

“Yeh!” replied the Aggie. “If y’all will just put a little more grease on them
grooves, the blade’ll come down a whole lot easier!”

1. Quarters are like gold.2. Be creative in the dining hall.3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)9. Showers become less important.10. Sleep becomes more important.

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The
manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and
said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate.” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the
broom; I’ll show you how.”

Actual Personal Ads taken from Israeli newspapersAttractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents’ house. POB 46Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658 Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B’Teves, Shiva Asar B’Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the “fast” lane. POB 90Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write. POB 74Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanuka candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 55580-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I? POB 545I’m a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64

… and another one, if you divide 100 by 81 you get

1.2345679012345679012345679012345679012…. etc

… And if you divide 100 by 89.1 you get

1.12233445566778990011223344556677899001122…. etc

… and if you divide 100 by 89.91 you get

1.112223334445556667778899900011122233344455566677788999000111222…… etc

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing
well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid “A”.
They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the
University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept
all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning,
the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final
to explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat
tire on the way back, and didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long
time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day.
They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in
separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity &
Solutions. “Cool,” they thought. “This is going to be easy.”
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It asked: “Which tire?”