Category: school

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture… of handcuffs.The motorist promptly
sent the money for the fine.

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).

These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize — don’t ask me why — the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices.” If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on.

Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland.

Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: “Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.” If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

In the municipal offices of a New England city, there was a rule that only
Harvard graduates could be promoted above a certain level.

The last three college men to assume responsible jobs with the administration
bungled their efforts badly. Their departments were a total mess.

This sign finally appeared just over the toilet paper dispenser in the city
hall’s men’s room: HARVARD UNIVERSITY DIPLOMAS: TAKE ONE.

Exams in an agricultural institute. Professor tells a student:
“Well, I see that you don’t know anything. But you have a last chance. Answer
the question: is it possible to make abortion to a cow? Go prepare yourself.”
The student doesn’t know the right answer. He runs out to corridor and sees a
drunk hippie sitting at the wall. The student feverishly asks the hippy:
“Please, come on, tell me, is it possible to make abortion to a cow?”
The hippie looks at him and thoughtfully says:
“Well, guy, I see you are in troubles…”

A classic schoolyard joke where you say rubber buns and liquor after everything I say,what did u have for breakfast? rubber buns and liquorwhat did u have for lunch? rubber buns and liquorwhat did u have for dinner? rubber buns and liquorwhat are you going to do tonight? rubber buns and liquor (rub her buns and lick her)

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, “Home for
Lunch.” The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a
park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had
black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women
were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying
to figure this out.
The artist walked by and noticed the women’s confusion. “Can I help you with
this painting?” he asked.
“Well, yes” said the one woman. “We were curious about the picture of the
African-Americans on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink
penis?”
“Oh,” said the artist. “I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood the painting.
The three men are not African-Americans, they are coal miners, and the fellow in
the middle went “Home for Lunch”.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

A teacher had been after her pupils to bring in their 2 dollars for the class
picture.
Upset over the tardiness, one day she got up in front of the class and said,
“Class, think how much you’re going to treasure this picture 25 years from now.
You will pull it out and say, ‘There’s my friend, Julie. She’s a lawyer now.
There’s my friend Robert. He’s a doctor'”
Then a voice from the back of the room interrupted, “And there’s my teacher.
She’s dead.”

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said. Excellent, Michael!” Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, “Oh that’s beautiful, just beautiful!”

There was the girl who, against her family’s wishes, ran off and married a
Princeton physics professor. The eloping bride received the following telegram
from her parents:

“Do not come home and all will be forgiven.”

A college professor always starts his class with a dirty joke. After one particularly vulgar story, all the women decide to leave the next time he starts telling a joke.
The next day the Professor comes into the class and says, “Did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?”

With that all the women got to their feet and headed toward the door.

“Wait,” cried the Professsor, “the boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise________ Calories burned per hour

Beating around the bush -75
Jumping to conclusions – 100
Climbing the walls – 150
Swallowing your pride – 50
Passing the buck – 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) – 50-300
Dragging your heels – 100
Pushing your luck – 250
Making mountains out of molehills – 500
Hitting the nail on the head – 50
Wading through paperwork – 300
Bending over backwards – 75
Jumping on the bandwagon – 200
Balancing the books – 25
Running around in circles – 350
Eating crow – 225
Tooting your own horn – 25
Climbing the ladder of success – 750
Pulling out the stops – 75
Adding fuel to the fire – 160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end – 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms – 50
Putting your foot in your mouth – 300
Starting the ball rolling – 90
Going over the edge – 25
Picking up the pieces after – 350