Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

One day a little girl was watching cartoons when a porno came through. The little girl asked her mom “What are they doing?” The girls mom said “baking a cake.” Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out and the girl said “look mommy they are baking a cake!” The next day the girl says “mommy you and daddy were baking a cake last night.” Her mom replied “how did you know?” The girl said “because I licked the icing off the sofa!”–Editor’s note: Hey, I just post them…

Called to the scene of a magnificent celestial display, the professor watched
as a bright object dashed through the skies over New Mexico. When he returned to
his observatory, reporters asked him if what he had seen was really a UFO.
Looking them straight in the eye, the impassive scientist replied, �No comet�

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.37. Always pick on the correct idiom.38. The adverb always follows the verb.39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn’t know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.

He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says, “Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water’s edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.”

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water’s edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: “Chapter 11”.

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed.
2. All polar bears are left-handed.
3. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar
bear.

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles.
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles.
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight.

1. All dogs are animals.
2. All cats are animals.
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats.

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second.
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second.
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

12> The only “General Lee” in his lectures jumps over creek beds to escape Boss Hogg and Rosco.

11> “Crimean, Korean, whatever — we won, okay?”

10> Lessons always reflect yesterday’s episode of “Sherman and Peabody.”

9> “Yeah, right — there were *two* President Roosevelts. Suuuuuure.”

8> Devotes an entire week to the eerie similarities between JFK and Abraham Lincoln.

7> If Carmen Sandiego wasn’t involved, he’s never heard of it.

6> Invites his “Sigma buddies,” Toad and Moochie, to help him re-enact the Whiskey Rebellion.

5> Refuses to teach about new-fangled things like the Internet… or Alaska and Hawaii.

4> Thinks the Bataan Death March is a Sousa piece played at halftime.

3> You’re the only sixth-grade class studying the Battle of Hasty Pudding.

2> Claims George W. Bush won the 2000 presidential election.

1> He’s teaching in a public school. Do the math.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”

Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest- back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.

Rule #1.

Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents. Who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, They realized Rule #1.

Rule #2.

The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self- esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3.

Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.

Rule #4.

If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5.

Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule #6.

It’s not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7.

Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8.

Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9.

Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10.

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them We all could .

Rule #11.

Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now. You’re welcome.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.132. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

If college students wrote the bible…
12. ‘Blood of Christ’ switched from red wine to keg beer.

11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food.

7. Paul’s Letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s E-Mail To: [email protected]

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.

3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Don’t Let Them Define You

Accept no one’s definition of your life,

but define yourself.