Category: school

How do you keep an Oklahoma State student busy for a month?
Give him a package of M & M’s and tell him to alphabetize them.

What would Obi Wan say to his noisy sons.

Obi quiet.

Once there was a pastor, and he wanted to paint his church. But all he had was
one bucket of paint. So he got a bunch of buckets and some water, and he thinned
the paint enough to cover the entire church. Then he spent all day painting.
That night it rained, washed all the paint off. The pastor was discouraged,
and asked God, “Why…Why God, did You let it rain and wash off all my hard
work?”
To which God replied, “Repaint! And thin no more!”

Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny’s test again?

Jeff: But how did you know?

Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down “I don’t know”.
And you put down “Me neither”.

there was a teacher and it was the first day of school for the kids and the teacher wanted to give them a taste test so she gave them a live saver and they all said yum cheery then she gave them another one and they all said yum grape after that one she gave them another one and then said its something your parents allways say its honey andone kid said that it was ass hole spit it out.

Dear Professor:______________________________Date:________

My grade in _______________ should be raised from __________ to ______ because:

There must be a mistake somewhere.

I was not well at the time of the examination.

My mind always goes blank during an examination.

This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.

This is the only course in which I received a poor grade

This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.

Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.

The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject

I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.

I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.

I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.

Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.

The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.

I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.

The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.

Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.

I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question

I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students

At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.

It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.

Signed___________________

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man’s assignment, the professor said, “Did you write this poem all by yourself?”
The student said, “Every word of it.”

The professor said, “Well, then, I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead.”

Q: How many Davidson students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – one to change a bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating that they could have gone to an Ivy League if they had wanted to.

Q: How many Queens students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to change the bulb, and one to throw the old bulb at UNC-Charlotte students.

Any students out there? Here is some advice for writing your term papers 🙂
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.

8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade… You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper.

11. Listen to the other side.

12. Check your e-mail again.

13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.

15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.

18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowler’s Tour, any movie starring Don Ameche and Star Trek.

19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

22. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

27. Check your e-mail.

28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

30. Leap up and write the paper.

31. Type the paper.

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

Let’s face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)

That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it’s why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.