Category: school

• Did you know that “verb” is a noun?
• How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?
• If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bite your tongue?
• If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?
• In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
• Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
• Is there another word for a synonym?
• Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
• What is another word for “thesaurus”?
• Where do swear words come from?
• Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• Why do people use the word “irregardless”?
• Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
• Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
• Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
• Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
• Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
• Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
• Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?
• Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
• Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
• Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
• Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
• Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
• Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

A college’s student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very
rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and
behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league.
All this success is due to one amazing player – a cross betwen Larry Bird and
Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide
media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college
and asks for proof of this player’s academic eligibility. The college
administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works
night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examinatin arrives, and the entire student body is there
to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first
question, “How much is five and two?” The student frowns in deep concentration –
he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer,
“SEVEN”. The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. “Give
him another chance. Give him another chance”.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through ourprogram of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to giveour students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you donot receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and ourlecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. youcan handle.

Students who don’t know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONALEVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, theydon’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONALRESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how tomanage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct themto our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING

* Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the
sound to others.
* Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny
to you?”
* Consistently write three atoms of potassium as ‘KKK.’
* Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”
* When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
* Deny the existence of chemicals.
* Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the
way he/she says it.
* Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker. Especially
effective for female students.
* Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour
the sulfuric acid.
* Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in
federal buildings.

this was an actual news clipping from a paper.
[or at least i think it was] plane crash in norway
A small two seater plane crashed last night in a cemetary. There were no survivors. Digging ensued during the morining hours so far 837 bodies have been recovered. more is expected as digging goes on during the day…

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
In-class assignment for Wednesday: Tandem Story. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to them. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on until both people agree a conclusion has been reached. The story must be coherent, and each paragraph relevant to the prior one.
——————————————-
Rebecca and Gary
English 144A
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who had once said in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Team Captain Carl Harris was leading his patrol squadron into orbit over Skylon 4. Carl had more important things to think about than the neuroses of that air-headed asthmatic woman named Laurie who, after one sweaty night over three months ago, was still desperately clinging to an illusion of a relationship she had fabricated in her unbalanced mind. “Alpha Tango One to Geostation One-Niner-Three”, he said into his subspace communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance…” But before he could sign off a bluish plasma beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit threw him out of his seat and into the cockpit control panel.

He hit his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian battleship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, bleeding-heart peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the U.N. had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empire who was determined to enslave the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet and nothing to stop them. They swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in a submarine off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 15 million other Americans. He slammed his fist on the conference table. “I KNEW this would happen! I am exercising my executive privledge to annul that treaty effective IMMEADIATELY! Ready the nukes, we’re gonna blow those bastards out of the sky!”

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss,” he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss.
“But where were you yesterday?”

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –
“Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?”

Aghast, the man said, “are you NUTS?, that’s robbery!”

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –
“Sir, since you are a bit irate, I’ll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly – “you must be crazy pal, now go away!”

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –
“Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much”.

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
“HEY,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes like crap!!!”

“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy some mouthwash?”

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he
decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the
new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new neighbor says, “I’m a professor.” The first
neigbhbor then asks, “Oh yeah, what do you teach?”

“Logic,” the professor reponds.

“What is that?” the neighbor inquires.

“Well, let me see if I can give you an example…you have a
dog, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” neighbor #1 responds.

“And you have children too, right?” says the professor.

“Wow, right again!” exclaims the neighbor.

“So, then you must be married and that would make you a
heterosexual, right?” proclaims the professor.

“Unbelievable, you’re absolutely correct. How do you know
all this about me?”

“Well,” the professor says, “I observed there was a dog
house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw
bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children.
And if you have children, you are probably married and if
your married, you are most likely heterosexual… it was
all logical!”

The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend.
His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man
says that he met him yesterday.

“What’s he like?”

“Well,” the man says, “he’s nice and he is a professor of
logic.”

“Oh,” says the friend, “what’s logic?”

“Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”

“Why, no, I do not,” responds the friend.

“Well, then,” proclaims the man, “you must be gay!”

some one so bad wan he a car it run a wat i
kiss a house ass

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

What would Obi Wan say to his noisy sons.

Obi quiet.