Category: school

The teacher came into the class one day and said, “Students, today’s assignment is to make a sentence using the word ‘Omelette'”.

I volunteered and said “That dude cussed me out but omelette it go instead of fighting about it!”

The College Food Chain:

The Dean
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

The Department Head
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Talks with God.

Professor
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if a special request is honored.

Associate Professor
Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

Assistant Professor
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Treads water. Talks to animals.

Instructor
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks on thin ice. Prays a lot.

Graduate Student
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls.

Undergraduate Student
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says “Look at the choo-choo”. Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to themselves.

Department Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in their teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. they ARE God.

A student said to his instructor, “Can you give me a simple example
illustrating Einstein’s theory of relativity?”
“Yes. Say, you’ve put your nose into my ass. Now you say, ‘I’ve nose in the
ass,’ and I say ‘I’ve a nose in the ass.’ The expression is the same, but the
sensations are quite different!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.

15> You just can’t get your day going without the morning announcements and Pledge of Allegiance.

14> Despite your having the hottest live dorm sex-cam on campus, the other kids at BYU just don’t seem to accept you.

13> Forget the kegger with the Tri-Delts this Friday — you’ve got some Ruminations to write!

12> Passing high school chemistry by sleeping with your teacher worked well, but the irony of passing freshman ethics by sleeping with your teacher is driving you nuts.

11> “Aww, c’mon guys. We just went out drinking last night!”

10> That backpack you made out of your blankie isn’t fooling anyone.

9> Your fraternity brothers are doubting your claim that the rubber sheets are due to an allergy to cotton.

8> You’re anxious to find out if you got an A on your cat-dissection project. But you’re not taking a biology class, and your art professor seems to be avoiding you.

7> Due to a misunderstanding, your cramming for exams involves K-Y Jelly.

6> You think “carrying a full load” means you haven’t had a girlfriend in awhile.

5> Animal Husbandry isn’t exactly what you expected when you signed up for it.

4> The good news: You have a 3.5 average.

The bad news: That’s your blood alcohol content.

3> You feel so awkward and unpopular that you quit the Young Republicans and join the Junior Reform Party.

2> The friendly wager you made with your new roommate about who would score first apparently has nothing to do with your Pokemon skills.

1> Your mother turns on Dateline’s story about college binge drinking just in time to see you vomit on Jane Pauley.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam.

The coach desperately needed him to play in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so
the professor agreed to give him an oral exam.

“All right,” said the prof. “How many degrees are there in a circle?”

“Uh, depends,” said the boy. “How big is that there circle?”

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here
believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any
of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and
says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your
experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way
up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex
with a ghost.

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” “Dang it, I thought you said ”GOATS.”

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:

“When it all boils done to the essence of truth,” the philosopher said, “one must live by a dog’s rule of life”:

“If you can’t eat it or fuck it…PISS ON IT!”

“Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs”

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares

9. In between “May I” and “have your attention” there’s a 45 minute pause.

8. He’s constantly yelling, “Take that, Red Baron!”

7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia

6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

5. For the last hour, he’s been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.

4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.

3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest

2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, “Dude! We’re, like, time traveling!”

1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

A professor starts giving a lecture on medicine by saying:
Here is an ovum, infected with siphylis.
Students:
Professor, it’s a pie!

He searches his bag, takes out another sample and says again:
Ok, here is the ovum, infected with siphylis.
Students:
Professor, it is another pie!
Professor:
Good gracious, what have I eaten for lunch???

Little Johnny’s father decided it was time for 14-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it’s time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, “You’ve been such a good customer over the years, I’m going to see to this personally.”So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, “Since this is your first time, I’m going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I’m going to give you a manicure.”Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, “Well, Little Johnny, don’t you remember me?””Yes, Ma’am, ” Little Johnny stammers, “you’re the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn’t scratch ’em.”

Little Jimmy was in class one day and kept counting with his fingers. His teacher wanted him to stop so she had him put his hands in his pockets. then to test him she asked him “what is 5 plus 5”. after a few seconds he answered “11.”