Category: school

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don’t do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let’s soak up more tax dollars while we play “Doom”), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting there reading humor funnies.

No wonder I’m tired; I’m the doing ALL of the work myself!

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.140. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help.

“The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.”, said the nun.

“Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.”, said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, “I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel!'”.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

A class teacher was trying to persuade her class to buy the class picture. The teacher said,”Won’t it be nice to look at the picture and think; hey there’s Jennifer, she a teacher or hey there Justin he’s a doctor.” A crackster at the back said,”Hey there’s teacher she’s dead!”

I’m sure you can substitute any college name you want into these and you will get the same results!!!
How many UCLA alumni does it take to change a light bulb?

One to crack the whip and make his bitches do it for him…

——————————————————————————–
How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a lightbulb?
——————————————————————————–
Two: one to mix the margaritas and one to call the electrician.
——————————————————————————–
How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

——————————————————————————–
How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: Davis doesn’t have electricity.

——————————————————————————–
How many UC San Francisco students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

——————————————————————————–
How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

——————————————————————————–
How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six: one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

——————————————————————————–
How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: Irvine looks better in the dark (ditto Riverside).

——————————————————————————–
How many UCLA students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One: he just holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.

Yes, there is a difference in the way the English language is used on the Eastern and Western parts of the USA. This translation guide is said to have been found in an East Coast office of a major computer manufacturer.Here’s a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors, customers, or other divisions on the left coast.East Coast West Coastabsolutely not maybeyes maybeaction item by Feb 12 for joe Joe’s working on the problembozo subcontractorbrawl design reviewignore him, he’s new I’m bringing him up to speedlocal bar offsite facilitymeet me in the parking lot let’s take that discussion offlineoh shit thanks for bringing that to my attentionoverdesigned robustpunch his lights out constructive confrontationshut the fuck up thank you for your inputshut up a minute let me share this with youthat’s totally incompetent let me build on that pointunemployed consultingfollow the spec is there a spec?get out of my office let’s get concensus on this onehe’s a jerk he’s not signed on to our planhe’s a subordinate he’s a team playerI’ll cover your ass consider me your resourceover budget on scheduleunder budget we haven’t started yetwe finished early (no translation available)we’re done how do you feel about that?what’s your problem? I certainly understand your feelingswhere’s the spec? what’s a spec?where’s the schedule? what’s the game plan?your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plandictator facilitatordo it and do it now can you sign up for this program?do it right or you’re fired I’m confident you’ll get it donefuck off trust me

* You’ve never met any celebrities.* Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.* “Vacation” means driving through the Amanas or going to Adventureland.* You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.* You measure distance in minutes.* Down south to you means Kentucky.* You know several people who have hit a deer.* You have no problem spelling or pronouncing “Terre Haute.”* Your school classes were canceled because of cold.* Your school classes were canceled because of heat.* You know where all the Yoders live.* You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.* You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.* You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”* You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.* Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.* You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.* You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.* You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to the mall I wanna go with.”* All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.* De-tassling was your first job.* Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.* You say catty-wumpus and kitty-corner.* You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.* You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.* When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, “It was different.”* You consider being called a “Pork Queen” an honor.* You carry jumper cables in your car.* You drink “pop.”* You know what “cow tipping” is.

The teacher came into the class one day and said, “Students, today’s assignment is to make a sentence using the word ‘Omelette'”.

I volunteered and said “That dude cussed me out but omelette it go instead of fighting about it!”

You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.

Your parents charge rent.

Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.

The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 11:00 p.m.

Three words: School Loan Payments.

You make thousands of dollars a year – and still can’t afford that dream Porsche.

You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game’s end.

THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA’s, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
NOW: IRA’s, Interest rates and their kid’s orthodontia.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’.

Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN, Sportscenter and MTV News.

Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

You empathize with the characters from ‘Friends”.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Football “season tickets” go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of friends to $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, ‘I just can’t put it down the same as I used to’.

You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.