Category: school

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: “I visited my Nana.”
Teacher: “Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.”

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.”
Teacher: “Please, you had a ride on a train.”

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.”

Teacher: “Excellent. And what was the name of the book?”

Third Pupil, with a big grin: “Winnie The Shit!”

YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN…
* You consider McDonald’s “real food”

* You actually like doing laundry at home

* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends

* It starts getting late on the weeknights

* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party

* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it

* You’d rather clean than study

* “Oh fu** how did it get so late!” comes out of your mouth at least once a
night.

* Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal

* Minesweeper is more than a game it’s a way of life

* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps

* You know the pizza boy by name

* You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark

* You live for getting mail

* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment

* Prank phone calls become funny again

* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on

* Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless (no connection to the
outside world)

* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate

* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth

* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime

* You find out milk crates had so many uses

* Wal-mart is the coolest store

* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday
night)

* You are sitting around making lists about how you know you’ve been
in college too long

*Before I came to college I wish I had known…
That it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class, I’d sleep through
it.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.

That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

That college kids throw airplanes too.

That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.

That every clock on campus shows a different time.

That if you were smart in high school, so what?

That I would go to a party the night before a final.

That Chem Labs/ Architecture studios take up more time than all my other
classes put together.

That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and
ace a test.

That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.

That Home is a great place to visit, But I wouldn’t want to live there.

That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.

That friendship is more than getting drunk together.

That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.

The free food server until 10 is gone at 9:50.

That Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology. That biology is really Chemistry,that
Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math.

That it’s possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.

That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.

8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day

1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
3. A copy of the latest bestseller “So, Your Head’s Up Your Ass, Now What?” appears on your desk.
4. When did FTD start doing an “Up Yours” Bouquet?
5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
6. It’s not so much the cold coffee, it’s the staples at the bottom of the cup.
7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb’s 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
9. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
10. Now answers the phone, “Smith, Jones and Tighta**.”
11. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake’s “I’m A Selfish Pig” episode.
12. Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as “Head Up His Ass.”
13. Your computer’s mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
14. While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical “You suck!” entries.
15. Expense report you don’t recall submitting comes back with denied charges for “beer & hookers.”

A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the
school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of
the bus with his hands over his eyes. �Why are you lying in the aisle like
that.�
�Well,� said the boy, �if you don�t see anything, you don�t have to
write anything.�

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

Q. Why did the amoebae flunk the math test?
A. Because it multiplied by dividing!

It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most
freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700
students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any
exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the
student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and
asked for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the
professor stated as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes, I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except
the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up
to the professor’s desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam
booklets.

“No you don’t, I am not going to accept that, It’s late!” The student looked
incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?” “No, as a matter of fact, I
don’t,” replied the professor sarcastically.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again. “No, and I don’t care,”
replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good!” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams,
stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left
off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened
it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book
teaser.”
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for
help!