Category: school

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique
problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of
the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how!
difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean
one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then
cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

Hogwarts Expulsion
Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts? He was caught playing with
his broomstick.

THIERS A GUY AND HE ONLY HAS ONE EYE. HIS OTHER EYE IS MADE OF WOOD, SO HE GOES TO HIS FIRST DANCE, HE SEES A GIRL WITH ONE LEG AND HE ASK HER TO DANCE SHES SO EXCITED AND SHE REPLIED WOULD I WOULD I AND HE SAID PEG LEG PEG LEG. HA HA HA HA

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
(Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

01. I can see your point, but you’re still full of crap.
02. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronouce.
03. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isn’t and office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

And here’s a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …
Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…
Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …
But fart just one time…

15. You planned on being there, but they moved the trial to Denver.

14. You’re on a football scholarship at Oklahoma.

13. You get a snide letter from Admissions recommending a summer course in “Remedial Tuition Payment.”

12. You don’t feel you’ve yet done sufficient field research on your thesis topic: “The Munchies: What Causes Them?”

11. You spent over $400 on new books this semester, but over $40,000 on beer and pizza.

10. Final: “Calculate the load-bearing capacity of a bituminous concrete mix.”

You: Calculated the vomit-produaing capacity of mixing tequila and beer the night before the exam.

9. NBC and CBS feature live, round-the-clock coverage of your frat dorm.

8. You won the Heisman, the Nike commercial shoot is tomorrow and you haven’t been to class since late November.

7. Six years of college and all you’ve learned are the lyrics to “Louie, Louie.”

6. Your cap and gown are made of paper and have “Campus Food Service” written on them.

5. You’re still an undergrad, but the faculty grants you tenure.

4. Your blood alcohol level is consistently higher than your GPA.

3. Only sheepskin you’ll see this summer is in the barn.

2. Your tassel comprises half of your work uniform.

1. You got all “A’s,” but your name is Hester Prynne.

Teacher: Class, who can go to the board and show us the map of the North
America?
George: Yes, ma’am.
Teacher: Okay George.
George: Here is the map of North America.
Teacher: Class, who discovered North America?
Class: George!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.51. Cry a lot.

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what’s up. He’s quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he’s quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal’s office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there’s a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your mom” she says. “I did” he says. “She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.13. Be more or less specific.14. Understatement is always best.15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.17. The passive voice is to be avoided.18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!” With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct,” said Mr. Perkins. “And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.

“One, you have not studied your lesson.
“Two, you have a dirty mind.
“And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”