Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your turn.”

16> Most Likely to, if Not “Succeed,” at Least Experience a Slower Descent Into Pathetic, Miserable Failure

15> Most Likely to Still Be Living in His Mom’s Basement Well Past the Age of 30

14> First to Run Out of Pierceable Body Parts

13> Most Likely to Use the Phrase “My baby’s father…” on an Episode of “Judge Judy”

12> Most Likely to Succeed, With a Little Help from His Governor-of-Florida-Brother and the Supreme Court

11> Most Likely to Go Through Four Divorces and a Personal Bankruptcy Before Finding Peace and Happiness in First the Michigan Militia and Later the Church of Scientology

10> Most Likely Facing a Lifetime of Having to Pay for Sex

9> Most Likely to Clean Puke Off the Side of Her Friend’s Car With Her Shirt at a Jack in the Box at 4:00 in the Morning

8> Most Likely to Manage a Denny’s and Live His Dreams Vicariously by Cursing at His 4 Year Old’s T-Ball Coach

7> Biggest Purveyor of Machiavellian Clique-Based Adolescent Cruelty

6> Most Likely to Sever Tongue Licking the Inside of a Pringles Can

5> Most Likely to Have More Than One Cat Named Frodo

4> Most Likely to Lose a Lung in a Knife Fight at a Bar Over a “Friends” Trivia Question

3> Most Likely to Be Traded to “Bull” in C-Block for Three Cartons of Marlboros

2> Most Likely to Give a Cute Pet Name to His Riding Mower

1> Most Likely to Get Knocked Up While High on ‘Shrooms With a Complete Stranger Behind the Port-o-San at a Phish Concert, Name the Kid “Harmony,” and Open a Head Shop in Ft. Lauderdale Catering to Retired Dead-Heads

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit

saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do

nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground

below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped

on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high

up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get

to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the

energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?”

replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey

pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough

strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a

fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon

he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the

tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The

brain said, ” I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s

responses and functions.” The feet said, ” We should be Boss as we

carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands

said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all

the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and

the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So

the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the

feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain

fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the

Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the

work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.

Lesson Number 4

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a

pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last

meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally,

he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten

too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked

around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up

against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,

thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when

he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know

you’re full of shit.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, ‘They don’t serve beer here, you moron!’ The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. ‘And what’s so funny?’ the New Yorker demands. ‘Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!’

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.6. Become a subgenius.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.24. Smile. All the time.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. How do you breathe through that thing?

there was this boy and he wa in kindergarden and his teacher told the class that thier homework was to go home and find three word to add to thier spelling list and the boy wa walking home he seen this girl said to her said to her brother shut up and then he seen this guy say to his girlfriend come on baby lets go then he seen some kid say superman then he said ok i have my three words for tomarrow.so the next day his teacher said timmy what is your three words he said shut up the teacher said yound man do you want to go to the principles office he said come on baby lets go she said who do you thank you are he aid superman!!!!!!!!!!!

There was a man who got a job as a hotel receptionist and his boss was giving him some tips the day before his very first shift on the phone.

One of the tips was: When showing the guests to their rooms, always be polite and say their names which is usually situated on the label on their suitcases.

After hearing this, he started his job the next day and led his first guests to their room. Remembering what his boss said, he looked at the label on their suitcase and said:

“Welcome to our hotel, we hope you enjoy your stay Mr and Mrs real leather!”

21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.22. Play “Kumbaya” on the banjo.23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song. 24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer. 25. Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear. 26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it. 27. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board. 28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz. 29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth. 30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

Q: At [Insert Geography you hate here], they’ve found another use for sheep.A: Wool

The story behind this joke:… There’s this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.”

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. “Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it’s normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff-arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities