Category: school

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, miss, me, me!”

Teacher says “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.”

Teacher smiles and says “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Johnny says “No, miss, you’re thinking of a blowjob.
I’m talking about a wank.”

Q: How many Methodist students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – downtown Fayetteville looks better in the dark.

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him “Paper
or Plastic” and the man said, “Uh…paper I guess.”

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.

The man took out his wallet and said “Real or Counterfeit”.

One day the teacher asked the class tell me is it
noisier then last year in your neighborhood. 70%

said yes and the other30% said I didn`t hear the

quistion.

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she’d die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “Thumbtacks.”

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

You might be from the Northwest if you:
Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

Use the expression “sun break” and know what it means.

Know more than 10 ways to order coffee (and know different parts of town by the espresso joints).

Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal.

Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it’s not a real mountain.

Complain about Californians, as you sell one your house for twice its value.

Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best Coffee, and Veneto’s.

Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.

Consider swimming an indoor sport.

Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.

In winter, go to work and come home in the dark– while only working eight-hour days.

Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

Are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” and “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”

You can’t wait for a day with “showers and sun breaks.”

Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can’t see them through the cloud cover.

Say “the mountain is out” when it’s a pretty day and you can actually see it.

Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.

Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

Knew immediately that the view out Frasier’s window was fake.

Buy new sunglasses every year because you can’t find the old ones after such a long time.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there’s going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

How to be the perfect asian american parent (From the Second Generation Perspective)1. Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.2. Don’t ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 percent grade on his/her report card.3. Don’t “ai-yah” loudly at your kid’s dress habits.4. Don’t blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu (Harvard), Yeil (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton).5. Don’t reveal all the intimate details of your kid’s life to the entire Asian community.6. Don’t ask your child, “What are you going to do with your life?” if he/she majors in a non-science field.7. Don’t give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.8. Don’t try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.9. Incorporate other phrases besides, “Did you study yet?” into your daily conversations with your children.10. Don’t ask all your kid’s friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.HOW TO BE A PERFECT ASIAN KID (From the First Generation Perspective)1. Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.4. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it.5. Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying.6. Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.9. Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!).10. Love to hear stories about your parents’ childhood … especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes. YOU KNOW YOU ARE CAMBODIAN IF …1. You own, have relative who owns, or know someone who owns a DONUT SHOP!!!2. You have a life time job at a donut shop.3. You still work at a donut shop on weekends even if you have a full time job outside.4. You HATE Donuts!!5. You can’t live without steamed rice.6. You want other Asians to stop meddling in your countryYOU KNOW YOU ARE CHINESE IF …1. You think you’re the smartest people in the world.2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all times.3. Today’s steamed rice is tomorrow’s fried rice.4. You’re afraid of black people.5. You know you are superior to all other Asians. YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF …1. You’re obsessed with you hair, your car, and your clothes2. You want to marry a Korean American or Chinese American woman (males); or you want to marry a white guy (females).3. You’re afraid of black people.4. You know you are superior to all other Asians. YOU KNOW YOU ARE KOREAN IF …1. You smoke and drink too much.2. You’re actually sorry that Margaret Cho’s sitcom was canceled.3. You’re afraid of black people.4. You know you are superior to all other Asians. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO IF …1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you have a day job as a nurse, a security guard, or an accountant.2. A member of your family back home is a politician or a movie star.3. You’re not afraid of black people; in fact, you wish you were black.4. You don’t care if you are superior to all other Asians or not, because being Filipino is just cool in itself. YOU KNOW YOU ARE THAI IF …1. No matter what you eat, it’s not greasy or spicy enough.2. You’re not afraid of black people, because in some cases you’re just as dark as they are.3. You know in your heart that you will never be superior to all other Asians, but you’ve learned to live with it. YOU KNOW YOU ARE VIETNAMESE IF …1. You’ve gotta have fish sauce with every meal.2. You eat at a restaurant that has “Pho.”3. You have some relative who is Chinese.4. You’re afraid of black people.5. You know you are superior to all other Asians.Bee 526951 [rec.humor]

You Might Be A College Student:

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
If you get more e-mail than mail……

THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.86. Don’t ever flush the toilet.

Theresa was studying public speaking, when she was given an assignment to give
a short speech on sex. Here’s what she said: “It gives me great pleasure.
Thank You.”

As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army’s future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience.
This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier’s unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT)phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SHIT our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SHIT than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SHIT, see your commander.