How shit happens!

In The Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance and the darkness was
upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves,
saying… “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and
sayeth, “It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
“It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, “It is a
vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto
them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
“This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of
this Company, and in these areas in particular.”

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good,
and the Plan became Policy. This Is
How Shit Happens.

Little Jonny leaves school

A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,”What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

Letter home from School

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Rules of the Modern World

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to If at first you don’t
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their
level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is:
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. (Project
Management at its best).

Note from Teacher

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.”

So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

– First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…

So unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

– Ok, now take off my skirt…

And he takes off her skirt.

– Now take off my bra…

Which he does.

– And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

“Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”

Multi-syllable words

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, miss, me, me!”

Teacher says “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.”

Teacher smiles and says “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Johnny says “No, miss, you’re thinking of a blowjob.
I’m talking about a wank.”