Category: school

“Ok class” said the teacher of a 2nd grade class “todays word is definately can anyone use it in a sentance” Betty raised her hand “the sky is definately blue” Well said the teacher “sometime it is black like in the night.” Then Fred raised his hand the water is definately clear.” Well said the teacher the water is some times green with alge.” Then little Billy raised his hand “do farts have lumps” “No! why do you ask?” the teacher replied ” then I definately pooped in my pants.”

Even if you think perfect pitch has something to do with baseball, you will enjoy these musical responses that young students wrote on real-life tests:

* Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

* A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

* J.S. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

* Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

* Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

* Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

* A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the podium.

* Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

* Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

* My very best-liked piece is the Bronze lullaby.

* A harp is a nude piano.

* My favorite composer is Opus.

* An opera is a song of a bigly size.

* Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

* Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

* Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

* I know what a sextet is, but I’d rather not say.

* Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.

* Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he’d be celebrating the 170th anniversary of his death?

* Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

* In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda, who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio gets stabbed also, and they all live happily ever after.

* At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. since synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.

* You consider McDonald’s “real food”

* You actually like doing laundry at home

* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends

* It starts getting late on the weeknights

* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party

* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it

* You’d rather clean than study

* “Oh wow, how did it get so late!” comes out of your mouth at least once a night

* Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal

* Minesweeper (or Solitaire) is more than a game it’s a way of life

* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps

* You know the pizza boy by name

* You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark

* You live for getting mail

* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment

* Prank phone calls become funny again

* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on

* Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless (no connection to the outside world)

* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate

* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth

* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime

* You find out milk crates have so many uses

* Wal-mart is the coolest store

* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)

* You are sitting around making lists about how you know you’ve been in college too long

5. I’m not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I’m always available.
3. It doesn’t matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

Vova brought home his grade book. Vova’s father looked at it and said, “I see
you misbehaved. For example, it says here that you smoked in class.”
“You call it smoke? I just found a cigarette butt and only could inhale two
times.”
“Maybe. But here it says you came to the school drunk.”
“You call it drunk? I only found in garbage a bottle with a few drops of
vodka…”
“Maybe. But here it says you tried to rape an old cleaning woman.”
“Try! But I did not do it after all.”
“I see you need a lesson.”
Next day the father took Vova to his office. He showed him to a deep leather
chair, and when Vova took the seat, the father offered him a cigar. Vova puffed,
and the father poured for Vova a glass of French brandy. As Vova drank, his
father opened the door and pointed at his young and pretty secretary.
“How do you like it, Vova?”
“Very much, father.”
“So, to smoke good cigars, and to drink good brandy, and to have a young and
pretty secretary, one has to study, to study, and once again to study!”

If I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what
would I have?�
�Huge hands, sir.�

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.129. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate’s idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.171. Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

In court because I drove through a red light, I told the judge that I was a schoolteacher, and asked that my case to be heard immediately so I could get back to my class. A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “Madam, I”ve waited years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table and write, ‘I went through a red light’ 500 times.”

Some quick thinking to get out of the “caught napping jam!”…

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!

I wasn�t sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

I wasn�t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares.