Category: school

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, hesitated, and said “Sorry, I can’t do it.”

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. “Sorry,” he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said “Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, ‘What took you so long?’ He replied, ‘Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.’

An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language. “You will note,” said the stuffy Oxford scholar, “that in the English language, two negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can mean a negative.” To which someone in the back responded, “yeah, yeah.”

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:
Interviewer: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?”

Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

Interviewer: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”

Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

Mr. Jones: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are you?”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.41. Shave one eyebrow.

Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal. Johnson: Montreal! “Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!”
Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!
Johnson: Without missing a beat replies, “No kidding! What position does she play?”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.74. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

In a school, a female teacher asked a student, “Ivanov, why did you miss two
days in class?”
“Day before yesterday, my mother was laundering my pants.”
“And what about yesterday?”
“I walked by your house and saw your panties drying. So, I thought you
wouldn’t be in school.”

A little kid goes to a nude beach with his parents. He sees a naked girl and says “Mommy, mommy! That lady has bigger tits than you do!” So his mom says “The bigger your tits are the dumber you are.” Then the little boy sees a naked guy and says “Mommy, mommy! That man has a bigger dick than daddy!” So the mom says, “The bigger your dick is the dumber you are.” Then the little boy sees something else. He says, “Mommy, mommy! Daddy is talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and he keeps getting dumber and dumber!”

“Ok class” said the teacher of a 2nd grade class “todays word is definately can anyone use it in a sentance” Betty raised her hand “the sky is definately blue” Well said the teacher “sometime it is black like in the night.” Then Fred raised his hand the water is definately clear.” Well said the teacher the water is some times green with alge.” Then little Billy raised his hand “do farts have lumps” “No! why do you ask?” the teacher replied ” then I definately pooped in my pants.”

Even if you think perfect pitch has something to do with baseball, you will enjoy these musical responses that young students wrote on real-life tests:

* Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

* A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

* J.S. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

* Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

* Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

* Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

* A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the podium.

* Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

* Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

* My very best-liked piece is the Bronze lullaby.

* A harp is a nude piano.

* My favorite composer is Opus.

* An opera is a song of a bigly size.

* Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

* Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

* Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

* I know what a sextet is, but I’d rather not say.

* Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.

* Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he’d be celebrating the 170th anniversary of his death?

* Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

* In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda, who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio gets stabbed also, and they all live happily ever after.

* At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. since synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.