Category: school

I couldn’t work out whether to laugh or be offended by some of these!TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH1.Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo-dah doo-dah.2.Proper beer3.You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.4.You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events5.Union jack underpants.6.Water shortages guaranteed every single summer7.You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.8.Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.9.Ditto changing underwear10.Beats being Welsh.10a. Or ScottishTOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH1.When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.2.Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.3.You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.4.If there’s a war you can surrender really early.5.You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on SBS6.You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.7.You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.8.Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street > humiliating your sense of national pride.9.You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.10.People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN1.You can have a woman president without electing her.2.You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.3.You can call Budweiser beer.4.You can be a crook and still be president.5.If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.6.If you can breathe you can get a gun.7.You get to be really obese.8.You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.9.You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”10.You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.10a. When you’re not.10b. At all.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN1.In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.2.Unembarrassed to wear fur.3.No need to worry about tax returns.4.Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.5.Can wear sunglasses inside.6.Political stability.7.Flexible working hours.8.Live near the Pope.9.Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.10.Country run by Sicilian murderersTOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH1.Glorious history of killing South American tribes.2.The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.3.You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.4.The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.5.Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.6.Honesty7.Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.8.You get to eat bulls’ testicles.9.Gibraltar.10.Supported Argentina in Falklands War.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN1. Chicken Madras2. Lamb Passanda3. Onion Bhaji4. Bombay Potato5. Chicken Tikka Masala6. Rogan Josh7. Popadoms8. Chicken Dopiaza9. Meat Boona10. Kingfisher lagerTOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSHYou’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you ?TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH1.Guinness.2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.3.You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.4.Pubs never close.5.Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second VaticanCouncil of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex > with a condom on.6.No one can ever remember the night before.7.Kill people you don’t agree with.8.Stew.9.More Guinness.10.Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3am in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN1.It beats being an American.2.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.3.You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.4.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.5.Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?6.A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.7.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.8.Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house intheir skins.9.Own-an-Eskimo scheme.10.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN1.Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.2.Coopers Beer3.Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.4.Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.5.Tact and sensitivity.6.Bondi Beach.7.Other beaches.8.Liberated attitude to homosexuals.9.Drinking cold lager on the beach10.Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.–From Kaz(but not written by!)

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His response was: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s ebonics translation competition.

Assignment:

Please translate the following song lyrics from ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys Dummies – playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money Those the ones I like ’cause they don’t get nathan’ But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation Garbage, I turn like doorknobs Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever However, I stay coochied down to the socks Rings and watch filled with rocks

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and whores. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelery.

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi Girls pee pee when they see me Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee As I lay down laws like I lay carpet Stop it – if you think your gonna make a profit

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns – get it Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya I’m clockin’ ya – Versace shades watchin’ ya Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensives glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

First I talk about how I dress and this And diamond necklesses – stretch Lexuses The sex is just immaculate from the back I get Deeper and deeper – help ya reach the Climax that your man can’t make Call and tell him you’ll be home real late Let’s sing the break

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelery, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long Thought he worked his until I handled my biz There I is – major pain like Damon Wayans Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan Schemin’ – don’t bring your girl ’round me True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

You – ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell She beeped me, meet me at twelve

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes? While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke Death stroke – tongue all down her throat Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you I’m through – can ya sing the song for me, boo?

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that they leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for their presence.

So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me? We can cruise the world with pearls Gator boots for girls The envy of all women, crushed linen Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ’em The finest women I love with a passion Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelery and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelery. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

High fashion – flyin’ into all states Sexin’ me while your man masturbates Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds Lyrically I’m supposed to represent I’m not only the client, I’m the player president

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelery. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect becuase I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my hometown. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”

After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay about how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags, because they don’t know who they are.

They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night – early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they don’t know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it “Pot Luck”.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won’t let them out.

Top Causes of Oakwood Fire Alarms

1. Aeresol spray cans.

2. Fog machines.

3. Southsiders burning popcorn in the old microwave.

4. System glitch.

5. Southsiders burning popcorn in the old microwave…again.

6. See number 5.

7. System glitch…again.

8. Southsiders burning popcorn in the new microwave.

9. It’s our good old friend, system glitch.

10. yet to be determined.

In short, between the southsiders and the fact that our alarm system is a piece of slag, we have had only 1 planned drill.

P.S. All of the above like to occur at 2:00 a.m. or later.

Do you know the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws ?
Outlaws are always wanted.

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a “Restroom Trip Bank” will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) management by Feb. 10,1995. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should aquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting March 1, 1999.

If an employee’s RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee’s voice print until the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you supervisor.

Thank You!
Management

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.175. Invite the Dean to sleepover.

teacher ask the pupils to put urinate in a sentance ,mary goes if i drink too much water i then have to urinate.teacher says well done next bobby says if i hear water running it makes me want to urinate ,great the teacher says so johnny chimes in and says ” my dad reakons urinate but if you had bigger tits youd be a ten

Teacher to naughtiest boy in class : ” Tell me ; Ramu ; why is the globe flattened only at the Poles and not anywhere else ?”Ramu to the teacher : “I swear miss ; I didn ‘ t do anything . The globe was in the same Condition last year !”

why did the turtle cross the road?

to get to the shell station!