Category: school

Once a maths teacher in the assembly told the boys “stand in straight circles”!

your momma is so stupid she locked herself in the toilet and peed her pants

1. Teachers each day will fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.

2. Each teacher will bring a bucket of water and scuttle of coal for the day’s sessions.

3. Make your pens carefully: you may whittle nibs to the individual taste of pupils.

4. Men teachers may take one evening each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go to church regularly.

5. After 10 hours in school, the teachers spend the remaining time reading the Bible or other good books.

6. Women teachers who marry or engage in unseemly conduct will be dismissed.

7. Each teacher should lay aside from each pay a goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years so that he will not become a burden on society.

8. Any teacher who smokes, uses liquor in any form frequents pool or public halls, or get shaved in a barber shop will give good reason to suspect his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.

9. The teacher who performs his labors faithfully and without fault for five years will be given an increase of 25 cents per week in his pay, providing the Board of Education approves.

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the
Greater Idaho Falls Science fair. He was attempting to show
how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk
science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding
strict control or total elimination of the
chemical �dihydrogen monoxide.� And for plenty of good
reasons:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component of acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the
chemical.

Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew
that the chemical, �dihydrogen monoxide� was water. The
title of his prize winning project was, �How Gullible are
We?� He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t grocer and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

A visitor to Texas once asked, ”Does it ever rain out here?” ”Yes, it does,” replied the rancher. ”Do you remember that part in the Bible when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?” ”Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood,” the visitor said. ”Well,” said the rancher, ”we got two and a half inches during that spell.”

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve got a difficult decision” the VP says, “I either have to Lay You or Jack off.”

“Oh? jack-off,” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

teacher says to class,” l want you to put contagious in a sentance “.mary puts her hand up and the teacher nods mary says “my little brother had measles and mom said you may catch them because they are contagious “.very good the teacher says, bobby puts his hand up and replies “mumps can also be contagious “,teacher says well done so not to be out done liitle johnny pipes up ” me and dad where driving down the road when a truck loaded full of watermellons drove past and just as it passed it blew a tyre and rolled and dad turned to johnny and said thatll take that contagious to pick them up

6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.”

You believe “shallow gene pool” should have it’s own box on the report card.

You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention “vegetables” and you’re not talking about a food group.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

You can’t have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.