Category: school

TEACHER: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What’s that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

what do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopus.

I dont know either but it sure can pick alot of peppers.

These are actual quotes taken from junior high students science tests….

* The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.

* A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance.

* Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

* To collect fumes of sulhpur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Oxford University allocated a budget of �500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilisation.

Cambridge University spent �750,000 on a research programme that lasted years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent �2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.118. Call your roommate “Clyde” by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him “Clyde” all the time. If your roommate protests, say, “I’m sorry. I won’t do that anymore, Murray.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

You have a slanted view of reality and in all reality, banned from leaving your house.

Most people are usually afraid of you, and only pretend to like you so you don’t go crazy and shove pig parts up their asses while they sleep.

Other then that, you’re a great person.

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, ”Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?” The kid says, ”How should I know? I’m only 6.” *********************************************”I can’t believe it, ” said the tourist. ”I’ve been here in Portland an entire week and it’s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?” ”Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local. ”Last year, it was on a Wednesday.” *********************************************What do you call two straight days of rain in Portland? An average weekend. *********************************************In Portland, what do you call a sunny day which follows two wet ones? Monday. *********************************************What did the Portland native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy? ”Nice tan.” *********************************************Meteorological experts were predicting a gargantuan rain storm that would destroy the north west with a flood. Rev Jessie Jackson went on national TV and said, ”This is your punishment from God. Prepare to meet your Maker.” The President went on national TV and announced, ”Our scientists have done all they can. The end is near.” The Portland evening news came on and said, ”Today’s five day forecast – same as usual.” *********************************************What does daylight savings time mean in Portland? An extra hour of rain. **************************************************What do you call blue skies in Portland? A 30 second time out. ****************************************************How do they wash the streets in Portland? Please! You’re not from Portland, are you? ****************************************************What’s a great Oregon wine? ”Ohhhhh, it’s raining again….”

I have three college degrees:

b.s. – bull s***
m.s. – more of the same
ph.d. – piled higher and deeper

“The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”