Category: school

Did you here about the posh school where all the pupils smelled?
It was for filthy rich kids only.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a
young engineer fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you looking
for?”

The engineer replied, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
— say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Well Yeah, but you started it.”

A teacher tells her class the new word for the day is Contagious, she asks the class if they could explain what the word means. She asks Joe if he can explain what the word means and he says, “My Mom says to stay away from kids with chicken pox because they are contagious.” The teacher says, “That is very good Joe.” Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was Contagious.” And the teacher says, “Excellent Suzie.” Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class, “Yes Johnny,” she says. Johnny says, “The other day me and my Dad were sitting around and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little brush you use to paint model cars, and she was going in tiny little stokes up and down the fence.” My Dad says to me, “Jesus, its gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.”

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690” and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream, “MY PACEMAKER!”
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream, “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?”
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”.
9. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
11. Play “Kumbaya” on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.”
16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as “worm”.
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.
25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
27. Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
28. Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.
29. Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.
30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.
31. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.
32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll it be, McGee?”
34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.
35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.
36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.
41. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”.
42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44. Announce that the entire2-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I picked up in the field”.
50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”

lolipoplolipop go to habbo hotel now meet new friends and talk online with them create a parson and create your rooms and then get coins and buy furni its awsome trust me i have gone there every day since 2003 so i know. go hurry my habbo name is nellylover05 so send me a friend request or two

You know you’re out of college when…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for “jackass”.
14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don’t raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you…and they’re no longer “adults” – they are your peers.
24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”

Level 1:
It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because
you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of
your unemployed friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, “Oh come on,
this is silly. Why, as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m
cool.”

Level 2:
It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes
arguing against artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level
2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m
out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times!
Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I’m
Cool.”

Level 3:
One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20
minutes arguing for artificial tuff. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is
the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level 3, you love the world. On the
way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just
because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas, if we
bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you
could cook.”) But at level 3, that devil is a little bit bigger.., and he’s
buying. And you’re thinking
“Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep.., and a
complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”

Level 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a
bottle of rum and a Coke. You are artificial tutti. This time on your way to the
bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don’t
like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve
ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown
out, and one of you knows an at, er
hours bar. And here, at level 4, you actually think to ourself, “Well …. as
long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well …. stay
up all night!!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board
meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work
for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow
………………. cool.

Level 5:
Five in the morning, alter unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the
tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your
friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison
as recently as that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is
going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine.I’ve got that brunch
with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point,
you’re ail drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a
Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to
yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!” One of your friends stands up and
screams, “We’re drivin’ to floridaf Y!!!”- and passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 –
the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out or a
bar in day light, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they
look at you-and they know. And they say… “Who’s Ruby?” Let’s be honest, if
you’re 19 and you stay up ail night, it’s like a victory, like you’ve beat the
night.., but if you’re over 27, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all
say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as
long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I
mean it!”

8:45 Wake up to find you did indeed pull the pig last night that all your friends told you not to

9:00 tell her to go home

9:01 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

9:50 Oh shit you missed your first lecture again!

10:00 Grab last nights pizza on you way to the next lecture

10:15 In lecture. Well done you made it. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

12:00 Bar is open

3:01 flirt with the nice gril sitting near you

3:10 Drink lots and lots of beer.

6:05 you don’t want to miss out on beer by having dinner

10:30 Pull the girl you have been flirting with.

10:31 Your friends tell you not to take her home and sleep with her

10:45 You shag her

A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me, there, Your Darkness,’ he said. ‘I’m waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?’ ‘Ah,’ Satan said with a grin. ‘Those are Seattle-ites. I’m letting them dry out so they’ll burn.’

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, “Pardon” to her.She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, “Pardon me.” Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, “A tousund pardons fo my crumsy behavre.”The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, “Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!”

Top 47 OXYMORONS:

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. “Now, then …”
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron

01. Microsoft Works

Boss asks secretary “Do you know the difference between Ceasar Salad and a blowjob is?”

“No”, says the secretary.

“Great, Let’s do lunch.” the boss says.