Category: school

There are three guys walking together along the Welsh/English border…a Welshman, a Scot, and an Englishman. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, ‘I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes.’ To this, the Scot says ‘I am a sheep herder. My dad’s a sheep herder, his dad was a sheep herder, and my son will be one too. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms’… ‘FOOM!’ all the land in Scotland was full of an infinite supply of sheep farms. The Englishman was amazed. He said ‘I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out’… ‘FOOM!!’ there was a wall around England. The Welshman says ‘Tell me more about this wall.’ The genie says ‘Well, its about 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.’ After a moment of consideration, the Welshman says ‘Fill it with water.’

McKean, a North Dakota rancher, got rich even though he didn’t have an
education. Despite his success, he stayed unsophisticated and prudish.

On his deathbed, he said to Father Dempsey, “I’m leavin’ half my fortune to
the Church and the other half to the state college.”

“It’s the devil’s work!” cried the priest. “That college takes decent boys and
girls and makes them matriculate together. They even have the same curriculum!”

McKean cancelled the bequest to the college.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings…It’s Jim.

Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover – nothing.”

“We ought to do this more often.”
“Yeah, well, there’s just one thing….”
“What’s that?”
“Have you farted yet?”
“No…..”

“Well, DON’T – ’cause I’m in Phoenix!!!”

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You’ll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:”
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:”
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I’m a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement
for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for
being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the
student’s immediate family.

A smart-alec student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke
up. “But, what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” As you would expect,
the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the
professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your
other hand.”

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird

Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles

Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun,

It seemed his very trilling,

brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers

Crept slowly out of bed,

Then gently shut the window

And crushed his fucking head.

I’m not a morning person.

A female student shows up during a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading…
“I would do anything to pass the exam”.
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers “I mean…, I would do…. anything!!!”.
He returns her gaze. “Anything???”
“Oh yes” she said, “anything!”
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said “Would you….. Study?”

LONDON (Nov 8, 1996 1:48 p.m. EST) – Scientists searching for one of the fundamental keys to the universe found they had been beaten to the answer by the comic cult novel “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”; and the answer was 42.

In the British novel and radio serial by Douglas Adams, an alien race programs a computer called Deep Thought to provide the ultimate answer to understanding life and the universe.

In the novel, seven and a half million years later Deep Thought comes back with the result – 42.

Astronomers at Britain’s Cambridge University took a little less time – three years – to calculate the Hubble Constant that determines the age of the universe. But the answer was the same.

“It caused quite a few laughs when we arrived at the figure 42, because we’re all great fans of The Hitchhiker’s Guide,” Dr. Keith Grange, one of the team of Cambridge scientists who worked on the project, said Friday.

“Everyone thought it was quite fun.”

The scientists were using a new technique to determine the value of the Hubble Constant, a source of constant controversy among astronomers. The Constant is a measure of the rate at which galaxies are receding from each other as a result of the Big Bang that created the universe.

Knowing how quickly everything is flying apart can enable scientists to work out the universe’s age.

This has presented a problem, since the large Hubble Constant values estimated by some experts would mean that the universe is younger than its oldest stars. The Cambridge team put the age of the universe at between 14 and 16 billion years.

Grange said the answer was unlikely to remain 42, however. The team plans to observe more galaxy clusters and take an average of a larger number of measurements.

“After averaging out all these values we’ll have a relatively accurate answer,” he said. “It may be 42, but it could be anything between0 and 55.”

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

15. You planned on being there, but they moved the trial to Denver.
14. You’re on a football scholarship at Oklahoma.
13. You get a snide letter from Admissions recommending a summer course in
“Remedial Tuition Payment.”
12. You don’t feel you’ve yet done sufficient field research on your thesis
topic: “The Munchies: What Causes Them?”
11. You spent over $400 on new books this semester, but over $40,000 on beer
and pizza.
10. Final: “Calculate the load-bearing capacity of a bituminous concrete mix.”
You: Calculated the vomit-producing capacity of mixing tequila and beer the
night before the exam.
9. NBC and CBS feature live, round-the-clock coverage of your frat dorm.
8. You won the Heisman, the Nike commercial shoot is tomorrow and you haven’t
been to class since late November.
7. Six years of college and all you’ve learned are the lyrics to “Louie,
Louie.”
6. Your cap and gown are made of paper and have “Campus Food Service”
written on them.
5. You’re still an undergrad, but the faculty grants you tenure.
4. Your blood alcohol level is consistently higher than your GPA.
3. Only sheepskin you’ll see this summer is in the barn.
2. Your tassel comprises half of your work uniform.
1. You got all “A’s,” but your name is Hester Prynne.

On the first day of school a new school teacher gets up in front of the class and starts calling roll. She gets about half-way through and she comes to the name “Jones, Shithead”.

She calls out the name and a little boy answers, “Here.”

The teacher looks at the boy for a moment and says “Your name can’t be Shithead. Somebody’s playing a joke on me. Tell me your name now or I will send you to the Principals office.”

“Honest ma’am my name is Shithead Jones.”

“You have one more chance. Tell me your real name or you are leaving to go to the Principals office.”

“I’m telling the truth ma’am. My name is Shithead Jones.”

“Allright that’s it you’re out of here. Go to the Principals office right now.”

On the way out the door the little boy turns to another boy and says, “Come on Asshole she won’t believe you either.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.124. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, “What do you think you are? A king?”