Category: school

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go!”

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. “Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” he said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Off you go,” said the officer.

Your mama! is so stupid she got hit by a parked car….

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?””What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real painintheass, constantly complaining: ‘The bus seats are uncomfortable.’ ‘The food is terrible.’ ‘It’s too hot.’ ‘It’s too cold ‘The accommodations are awful.’ You have surely known her, and/or too many like her. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. ‘Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,’ the guide said. ‘Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.’ ‘We can’t be here tomorrow,’ the nasty woman shouted. ‘We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.’ ‘Well now,’ the guide said, ‘it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.’ ‘And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,’ the woman scoffed. ‘No, ma’am,’ the frustrated guide said, ‘but I’ve sat on it.’

Two Auburn grads had bought a couple of horses that they used to make some
money during the summer. But when winter came, they found that it cost too much
to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was
plenty to eat. “How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?” the
first Auburn guy asked.
“Easy,” replied the second. “We’ll cut the mane off my horse and the tail off
yours.”
By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length. “Now what
are we going to do?” asked the first.
The second replied, “Well, why don’t you just take the black one and I’ll take
the white one.”

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her 4th grade class because she realizes little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentinve throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” Very good, William.” cooed the teacher “My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. “I was watching TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?” “It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”

Mummy and Daddy are in the bath with their children, a little boy and a little girl (perverted family I know!!) when the little girl points to her mother’s lower regions and says ‘Mummy, what is that down there?’, to which her mother replies ‘That is my multi-story car park, you have a garage’. Satisfied the little girl continues playing with her ducks. A little while later the little boy looks at his father and says ‘Daddy, what is that bobbing about in the water?’ to which his father replies ‘That is my Rolls Royce, you have a Mini’. Satisfied the little boy carries on splashing his sister. The adults get out and go down stairs. Five minutes later they here this terrible screaming coming from the bath room. When they get there, the little boy is screaming his head off and there is blood everywhere. The mum looks at her daughter and asks what happened to which the little girl calmly replies, ‘he tried to put his mini in my garage so I ripped his back tyres off!!’

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don’t bite any.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, “If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?”

“That’s correct”, responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

“Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class…. and never returned!

However, as she was going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic. Totally straight faced he answered her question, it doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.”

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

“How much for a season pass?”