this kid in kindergarden his teacher told him to write down 4 words his mother was talking on the phone and she said shut up so he writes that down then his sister said i think im in love he writes that his little bro tv show goes da da batman he writes that his dad said my buns are on fire his teacher said what words did you write shut up what did you say ooh i think im in love who do you think you are da da batman go to the principals office my buns are on fire
Category: school
Ways to add confusion to dining halls
by Robert ChenYou should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone’s done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.44. Find a full table. Ask, “Is anyone sitting under there?” Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone’s shoes look.45. If sitting with someone with whom you’re romantically interested, complain how the setting isn’t very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner’s food.46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyone’s food.48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.49. Request a waitress.50. Comment on how good the food is.
Oral sex
a man is talking to his grandson about sex.he turns an asks his grandfather how do u an grandma do it?he replied,we only have oral sex.she goes t bed in her bedroom.i go to bed in my bedroom,she yells “fuck u”and i yell “fuck u too”
First Day at School
It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Johnny. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just a few mistakes.
Others couldn’t get past 20.
Johnny, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “Son, that’s because you are from Arkansas.”
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Arkansas?” he asked.
“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”
Pay Attention
A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the
eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a
class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the
importance of observing details. To emphasise his point, Sir Osler announced,
“This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It’s often possible by tasting it
to determine the disease from which the patient suffers.”
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He
continued speaking, “Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you
please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this
techinque and diagnose the case.”
The bottle madeit’s way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his
finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.
Dr. Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying,
“Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had
you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle
but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!”
You might be a college student if . . .
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
The class reunion!
A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he’s very curious as to who might show up.
When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.
“How have you been?” he asks.
“I’ve been fine, just fine,” she replies, “Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.”
“Bad news first, please.”
“Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.”
“Oh my, that’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!”
Less Common Latin Phrases
Less Common Latin Phrases
Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we’ll still be friends.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I’m home.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That’s nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Vacca foeda
Stupid cow
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let’s all wear mood rings!
Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan’s Island
15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians
15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians…
Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
Only 3 hits this month on the “World O’ Coffins” web site.
Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!
Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of “the willies.”
Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
Toe tag paper cuts.
The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
Nobody visits your booth at junior high “Career Days.”
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
Constant complaints of, “But he looks like Michael Jackson!”
and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians…
Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.145. Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.”
Belmont Abbey
Q: How many Belmont Abbey students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three – one to hold the candle, one to light the flint, and the other to pray that it works.
Big deal
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.