1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of
freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from
class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to
McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you
his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru
plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade… You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can
concentrate.
9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it, I mean it, as soon
as it’s over you are going to start that paper.
11. Listen to the other side.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the
world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
its special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since
the last time you checked.
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours,
anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions: + Pro Bowler’s Tour + any movie starring Don
Ameche + Star Trek.
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
the finer points of the plot.
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone
is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated
strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper.
Category: school
A Letter Home
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
———————————————————————-
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
A College Christmas
A College Christmas
Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn’t study.
“Some pizza might help,”
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:
“What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!”
Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.”
Fire Fighter
Q:What did the Fire Fighter name his two children?
A:HoseA and HoseB
Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class
1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. 2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number. 3. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”. 4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”. 6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. 8. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690” and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop. 9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!” 10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.90. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.”
Engineer Identification Test
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You…
Straighten it. Ignore it. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar- powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is “3” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “It depends” in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on “Marketing.”
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. “Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation Important social contacts A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to “normal” people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: Get it over with as soon as possible Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it’s true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates MacGyver Etcetera
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The
complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
“I won’t change anything without asking you first.” “I’ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow.” “I have to have new equipment to do my job.” “I’m not jealous of your new computer.”
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS Hindenberg Space Shuttle Challenger SPANet(tm) Hubble space telescope Apollo 13 Titanic Ford Pinto Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: How smart they are. How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal –a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex — and I’m including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.”
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
Make up test
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?”
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says,
“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Talking to God
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm
spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he
began to think about God.
“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy?
What can I do for you?”
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to
you?”
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded
in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”
“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”
“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous… can I have one
of your pennies?”
God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.151. Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Grad Student Check List
6:30 am Wake up and lie awake in bed.
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night’s dinner, means no eating out for the
next 6 weeks.
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn’t hit the
snooze button–you turned it off.
7:01 fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch at
(Denny’s/Penny’s/Lenny’s/Dinko’s whatever cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today,
must have got more work done.
8:04 Pass by Advisor’s office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is coming
in today. He is, darn.
Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon. 8:15 Read electronic
mail.
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about
the class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today.
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for
your money back. Wonder why they would beleive you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to your
work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate. 9:43 Curse your
officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend. Feel good about him not
grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around the
world (using the “finger” command, of course).
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 edit .plan file. write a shell program to edit .plan more easily.
10:59 Drop in at advisor’s office and borrow something you dont need and and
kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
11:05 Perverted daydreams
11:11 Read electronic news. Mid-morning yawn time 11:34 Start typing junk at a
very high key-in rate to pretend you are working hard as your advisor passes by
from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all the garbage
you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256 characters per
half minute.
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon’s draft + presentation
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company
12:15 Hunger pangs:
12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your
desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 Sudden awareness of one’s shallowness resentment towards foreign
officemate for sucking up to your advisor. Get reminded by your advisor that you
need to do some more work for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/ graduation
possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities/ and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don’t reply though, you are too busy to do that
2:06 More generic cola
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite 🙁
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree
program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams. Close the office door and open a few .gif
files. Sharpen pencil
3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter–NOT! No time for
that. Rearrange desk. Call up bank; see if you have any money, fear of losing
aid next Fall. Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^%
format.
3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight. Vow to
watch only 2 TV programs.
4:58 Notice Advisor leave
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office.
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office
late at night to “get the work done.”
9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack those ftp
sites since network won’t be loaded and get the pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space. Back up all your
pictures.
10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work. Realize you need references.
Realize its too late today to go to the library. Sudden feeling of having wasted
the day.
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to turn in
early and come back very early tommorrow morning. Decide to play Tetris on the
system to put yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the
scoreboard. Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two notches above
you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A sense of
achievment!! Yes, today was not wasted!! Return home to find your roommate
watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him about the “hard working grad
student day you had.” Discuss philosophy with roommate.
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others (The Dining
Philosophers problem, hee hee 🙂 (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him about politics,
why people prefer Japanese cars and whether it is better to set the heat to
“hot” or “cold” to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded of the “too
much milk problem.”
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to
sleep.
(repeat)