Category: school

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Kept thinking I could never pass with no revision guide,
But then I spent so many nights, getting all the questions wrong,
And I grew strong,
And I learned I could scrape along,
I won’t look back, to any place,
When I can swallow 15 cans and get completely off my face,
I would have revised by the clock,
I would have had no spare time free,
If I’d thought for just one second my exams would bother me,

So all my notes, are on the floor,
Don’t even matter… that there’s no rock night anymore…
Weren’t you the one,
Who tried to get me to revise?
You think I’d crumble? You think I’d work towards the skies?

Oh no, not I!
I won’t revise!BR> Unless I die of beer stains, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though my money’s at an end,
I’ve my overdraft to spend,
I won’t revise,
I won’t revise!

It took all the strength I had, not to act the part,
But in the end my real revision didn’t even start.
I used to sit at home at night, feeling guilty to myself,
I used to try,
But now I hold my head up high,

And you see me! Somebody new!
I’m not that mixed up weird bloke who wants a good 2:2
So if you feel like dropping in, chances are that I’ll be free,
Coz I’ve done sod all revision, and I’m failing my degree,

Oh no, not I!
I won’t revise,
I think that I may scrape a third, but I could be telling lies!
Let the lecturers all storm,
My bed’s far too nice and warm,
I won’t revise,
I won’t revise,
oh dear!

I just returned from my fiftieth high school reunion. The Romans of Los Angeles Hi. Class of ’48. The Marina Marriott was packed. Everyone was there.

We had changed little since we had last met ten years ago. Oh, we had aged a little. But there was no real change. We spent most of the time reminiscing on the good times we had during our high school days. What most of us remembered most vividly was the semester we were offered a class in Accounting.

This was an innovative experimental class that had never been tried before. And because of us, it has never been offered again. You see we were very independent teen-agers in those post-war days. We were interested in ideals about equality and the future, not in accounting.

… So we rapidly lost our interest and attacked the principal.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
–Responsibility makes me nervous.
–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn’t work under those conditions.

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:
–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
–Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
–I’m a rabid typist.
–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: “HIJKLMNO”!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip
cookies?
Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M’s.

10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I’ll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years.

A. Butcher, Meat purveyor.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.182. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, “I’m watching you.”

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of
freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from
class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to
McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you
his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru
plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade… You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can
concentrate.
9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it, I mean it, as soon
as it’s over you are going to start that paper.
11. Listen to the other side.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the
world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
its special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since
the last time you checked.
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours,
anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions: + Pro Bowler’s Tour + any movie starring Don
Ameche + Star Trek.
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
the finer points of the plot.
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone
is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated
strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper.