Category: school

What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for?
“Knowledge.”

T’was the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would get their brains thinking.

In my own apartment, I had been pacing, Dreading all those exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy, My eyes went a’blur, I just couldn’t study. “Some pizza might help,” I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I’d pretty much concluded Life is unfair and cruel, Since our futures all depend On grades made in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, She looked at the mess And started to bellow: “Why should us students Make such a fuss, About what those teachers Toss out to us?” “On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year’s Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!” Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. “Your teachers won’t flunk you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

One day 2 guys who had just BARELY graduated highschool decided to go to
college. Now, these boys weren’t too bright but they had a lot of money. So they
go to the counselors office to see what classes they have to take before they
take the classes they wanted. The counselor only lets one of them in and the
other has to wait outside. So one of the boys goes in, and the counselor says,
well your first classes have to be math, reading, and logic. The boy says
“Logic, whats logic?” The counselor gives him and example and she says “Well, do
you own a weedwacker?” the boy says “yeah” and then the counselor says, “well
then, i would think that since you own weedwacker then you must have a yard” the
boy impressed says “yeah” and the counselor says “and i would think that if you
own a yard, then you must own a house” the boy is amazed and says “yeah!” the
counselor continues “and if you own a house i would think that you are straight
and would want to have a wife one day” the boy says “Yeah!!!” so the boy signs
him and his friend up for classes and goes out to meet his friend. His friend
says “well what do we have to take?” the boy says “we have to take math,
reading, and logic.” his friend says “Logic? whats logic?” and the boy says “Do
you own a weedwacker?” his friend says “no” and the boy goes…

A first grade class comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Sarah, “What did you do at recess?”

Sarah says, “I played in the sand box.”

Teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.”

She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, “I played with Sarah in the sand box.”

Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘box” correctly on the blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.”

Morris does and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Mahmoud what he did at recess.

He says, “I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me.”

Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a
date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand
and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”

“What! Are you crazy!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick, ” he ensures his girlfriend.

“No! Someone might see us…”

“It’s just a small blowjob, ” he insists, “and I know you like it.”

“No! I said no!”

“Baby… don’t be like that.”

“Come on baby pleeeeaassseee”

“I’m not going to give you a blow job”

“Why Not…baby it will be quick I promise?”

Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown,
with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad
says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy
himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the
intercom.”

A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years.

“Don’t you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what’s on the test before they sit for it?”

“Doesn’t matter,” replied the professor. . . .”I just keep changing the ANSWERS.”

10. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only
because they haven’t had sex yet.

9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc…, school just sucks.

8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like

smoking something a whole lot stronger.

7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.

6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

5. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.

4. Nothing beats the “hands on” experience you get with sex.

3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper

than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At

school your teachers screw you regardless!!!

.. 1. You are not superman.

2. Recoilless rifles aren’t.

3. Don’t look conspicuous. It draws fire.

4. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.

5. When in doubt, empty the magazine.

6. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

7. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

8. If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

9. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds.

10. Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.

11. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

12. The easy way is always mined.

13. The important things are very simple.

14. The simple things are very hard.

15. When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy, and CNN

16. Incoming fire has right-of-way.

17. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy more people to shoot at.

18. Friendly fire isn’t.

19. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.

20. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. “Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.”No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.” The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?” “No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. “Do you know who I am?” the student asked again in a louder voice. “No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority. “Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief can concise, yet specific.

Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don’t suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginals are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify hyour actions.

Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression.

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific.

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

One day little john came home with an F on his math test his dad asks
“How did you get an F on the math test” little john replies “The teacher asked what is 2 times three and i answered 6” the dad says “uh hun” then little john said “The teacher asked what 3 times 2 was” the father says whatthe fuck is the difference and little john says thats what i said.