Category: school

The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, “How did this happen?”

“Let me put it this way, doc,” the girl began. “My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight.”

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby
stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry,
son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making
them happy.”
The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting
in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying, “Son, your father
will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and
daddies.”
A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate: their son has
been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask him where he’s been all night.
The baby stork says, “No where. Just scaring the hell out of college
students!”

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. “And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.”I don’t know,” the student said.”Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.”That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention anyway!”

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”

“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.
“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who
were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes,
midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid “A’s.”
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to
go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer
than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after
the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went
up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study,
but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and
couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the
following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that
night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told
them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this
is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.

“Where are my shoes?” asked the Iowa State professor as the class ended.

“They’re on your feet,” said one of the students.

“So they are,” said the professor. “It’s a good thing you saw them, or I would
have gone home without them!”

Right after the end of WWII children are describing what they did during the
war.
– I helped the soldiers carry ammunitions!
– I brought them dinners!
Vovochka:
– And I once hit a tank!
Everyone is amused.
– Cool! And what did the soldiers tell you?
– Gut, poy, sehr gut!

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying
in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he
keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to
date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for
superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do
the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A
coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original
work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Remember the book “men are from mars, women are from venus”? Well, here’s a
prime example offered by an English professor at an American university.
In-class assignment for Wednesday “today we will experiment with a new form
called the tandem story.”
“The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so
on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking and anything
you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree
a conclusion has been reached.
“The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca – last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted:”
Story: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile,
which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too
much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she
felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again. So chamomile was out of the question.
——————————————————-
Meanwhile, advance Sergeant Carl harries, leader of the attack squadron now in
orbit over skyline 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago. “As. harries to gestation 17,” he said into his
transatlantic communicator. “Polar orbit established. no sign of resistance so
far…” but before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
——————————————————-
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had
feelings for him. Soon afterwards, earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of skyline 4. “Congress passes law permanently
abolishing war and space travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The
news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth – when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with
no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “why must one lose one’s
innocence to become a woman?� she wondered wistfully.
——————————————————-
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the anu’udrian mother ship launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the
unilateral aerospace disarmament treaty through congress had left earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires that were determined to destroy
the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the anu’udrian
ships were on course for earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The
president, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor
off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The president slammed his
fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I�m going to veto that
treaty! Let�s blow ‘me out of the sky!”
——————————————————-
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
——————————————————
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall
I have some other sort of f****** tea??? Oh no, I�m such a air headed bimbo who
reads too many mills &
Boon novels.”
——————————————————-
A******.
——————————————————-
Bitch.
——————————————————-
Winker.
——————————————————-
Slut.
——————————————————-
Get f*****.
——————————————————-
Eat s***.
——————————————————-
F*** you – you Neanderthal!!!

Q.why did the teahcer take his ruler to bed
A. to see how long he could sleep

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”