Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.11. Walk and talk backwards.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, “Where am I?!” and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don’t know what he/she is talking about.

Signs you’ve been playing HALO (for XBOX) too long.

-You call your friends by their character name instead of their real name.

-You can’t remember your friends’ real names.

-You believe that the Earth is one huge ring instead of a ball.

-You cansantly attempt to pistol-whip people.

-You begin to wonder where the needler and rocket launcher are on campus.

-You refer to your car as a warthog.

-You attempt to mount a gatling gun onto the back of your car.

A college student his mother and asked her for some money.
His mother said that she would send him money and mentioned that he had left his calculus book when when he visited two weeks ago and asked if she should send it too.

“Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.” Responded the student.

Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, “How much did you give the boy this time?

Mom replied, “I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000.”

“That’s $1020!” yelled Dad. “Are you crazy?”

“Don’t worry hon,” Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in

chapter 19!”

51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.53. Disney movies are more than just classics.54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don’t get the messages.57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.59. ATMs are the devil’s advocate.60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

13. Enjoy being a Sophomore — It will be the best three years of your life.

12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it’s all fun and games until someone loses their ‘nads.

11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative “home pharmaceuticals” business.

9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

8. Boring lecture? Start a wave!

7. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.

6. “I Phelta Thi” is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

5. Remember – almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.

3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.

2. Don’t think of it as sleeping with your professor — think of it as “acing Biology.”

and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College…

1. In a pinch, beer can be used as a milk substitute in your breakfast cereal.

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
You want to choke a person when he or she says “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, ‘Wow, these seats are big!’ The person next to him answered, ‘Everything is big in Texas.’ When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, ‘Wow these mugs are big!’ The bartender replied, ‘Everything is big in Texas.’ After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, ‘Second door to the right.’ The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, ‘Don’t flush, don’t flush!’

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, – – -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize — don’t ask me why — the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices.” If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: “Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.” If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

13> Tells everyone to “hit the inferno” after class.

12> Locker room smells strongly of brimstone.

11> “Remember, be sure to hydrate with a nice warm glass of goat’s blood before you begin running your laps.”

10> Three words: “Shirts and Skinned”

9> The only game he knows has only one rule: First you push the rock up the hill, then you push the rock up the hill, then you push the rock up the hill…

8> Mustache + field hockey stick = Average girls’ gym teacher Mustache + field hockey stick + horns = Satan

7> Insists that you do chin-ups the right way — with your eyelids.

6> Dodgeball involves a V8 Ram Pickup.

5> “Okay, Billy, I need *you* to pick two of your classmates to participate in the rope climb race. The loser dies.”

4> “Behold as I produce the dodgeballs from my own body…”

3> He is completely red, has horns and a tail, and carries a pitchfork. Actually, these signs apply to any occupation.

2> Week 1: Aerobics and Weight Training

Week 2: Flames and Poking

1> Sign above the gym door says, “Abandon all hope ye who enter here. (No street shoes.)”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He says, “A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse.”

Norris stands up and says, “Professor Chernoff, either you don’t know how to fuck, or I don’t know how to shit.”

Dear Dad,
No money,
no honey.

Your
Sonny

Dear Son,

How bad,
so sad.

Your
Dad