Category: school

A lesson of history. The teacher ask the kids:
– Who took Bastilia?
No one answers. She gets angry and yells at them:
– You are going to tell me who took Bastilia!
Meanwhile the director of the school is passing by.
– Don’tcha get mad at them poor kids, they will play with it for a while and
put it back, your Bastilia!

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, “Mr. Nichols, what is
the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said the student.
“And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?”
“Elation.”
“And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?”
“I believe that would be giddy up…”

1) Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If
their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 1/2 mile
per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in
public?
2) Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3%
better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he’s ready
to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
3) Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a given
day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his
erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4) Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a 20%
profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole
write the check for?
5) The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting
downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many
people did each dead rat empower?
6) A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed
randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will
be socks of color?
7) George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If
each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George’s average
caffeine density in mg/pound?
8) There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If
each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover
per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus
question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are
they drinking?
9) If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the
waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans
to not eat them?
10) Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If
he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step
over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one
double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only
11) Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on
Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other
three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers.
None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each
want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their best
option?
a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at
Mission High.
b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip’s bedroom
for $500/month.
c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual
digital-artists-of-color stipend.
d) Rent strike.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

A practical medicine exam. The first co-ed walks in.

Professor:
– Spit here. How, take the microscope and tell me what that is?
– It’s sperm, professor.
– You flunk!!! Next!
Next students walk in and the same question with the same sample is asked.
Those answering “Spit” get “A”, those saying “Sperm” get “F”. After the last
student has gone, professor decides to look at the sample himself. He finds a
chunk of sperm, runs out of the room, and cries to the last student:
– It’s sperm! Those who had “A” will have “F”, those with “F” get “A” and tell
that first student to brush her teeth in the morning!

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud’s trailer house, Bud asked,
“What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say
if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Bud. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s
five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying?” asked Bud.
The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”

In a Local school one day, the Mathematics teacher got in and told the class that they will be dealing Addition and Subtraction. After teaching he asked a student John Bull how much will be remaining if he had 100 Dollars and the teacher himself removed 20 Dollars but the student was smiling and the next thing he was doing was to nodd his head and opened up and told the teacher that HE CAN NEVER TRY THAT THAT IF HE TRYS IT HE WILL MAKE SURE HE BEATS HIM UP!

Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the
cafeteria.

During the course of the conversation, Biddle said,”A student gave me a
peculiar answer in class today. I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a
sophomore said, “Please, sir, it wasn’t me!”

“Ha, ha!” laughed Payne. “And I suppose the little snot had done it all
along!”

Professor Pollen went into the men’s room on the train and found it crowded
with other men.

When he came out ten minutes later, his wife said,”Darling, you’ve still got
whiskers. Why didn’t you shave?”

“Oh, dear! I thought I did,” he said. “But there were six of us using the same
mirror, so I must have shaved the guy standing next to me!”

Teacher in class:
– How much is that, 2 times 2? Lena?
– 3.
– Wrong. Seryozha?
– 5.
– Wrong. Vovochka?
Vovochka meanwhile has been thinking: “Drat it, I lost 50 bucks yesterday
night in poker… Masha from 3rd grade says she is pregnant… That Lyonya from
4th grade is trying to pick up my girlfriend…Got to beat out of him this
week… What, Anna Sergeevna, 2×2? 4! I wish I had your problems!”

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.3. Twitch a lot.