Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.81. Collect Chia-Pets.

Story of a Physics student who got the following question in an exam:”You are given an accurate barometer, how would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper ?”He answered: “Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down ’till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string”.The examiner wasn’t satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy:”Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics ?””Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground……””Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again ?””Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top……””..another try ?….””Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of the skyscraper…..””….and again ?….””walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells.””…One more try ?””Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say ‘Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you this nice Barometer, will you tell me the height of this building ?”

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don’t know my father.

Higginbote and Goldstein, Fordham freshmen, were discussing what kind of work
would supply mem with big bucks after graduation.

“Well, I’ve always thought I’d like to be a doctor,” said Higginbote.
“Specialize in something or other. Like obstetrics, maybe.”

“Obstetrics?” scoffed Goldstein. “At the rate science is going, you’d no
sooner learn all about it when bingo! somebody’d find a cure for it.”

Feel Free to Cut and Paste

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms bythetruckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.84. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate’s walls.

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you
terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of
silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you
planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO
COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never
want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate
that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you
pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many
clubs were you in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great
state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of
the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of
rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off
high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you
like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines
with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL — The Big Red Tape!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff
like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more?
Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling on drinking? COME TO
DARTMOUTH!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate
doing anything that doesn’t involve math? That’s right, math! Math math math
math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!
BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven’t figured out how to invent the wheel (but have
discovered fire and fire-sticks), don’t know your ass from your elbows (but do
know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24
variants of ‘da weed’ with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum
preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in
Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO
LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!
SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money
and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours
isn’t selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you
believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning
about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.22. Don’t never use a double negation.23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point24. Do not put statements in the negative form.25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.28. A writer must not shift your point of view.29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
“Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

ACCORDIONATED

(ah kor’ de on ay tid)

adj.

Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS

(ak wa deks’ trus)

adj.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM

(ak wa lib’ re um)

n.

The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE

(burg’ uh side)

n.

When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS

(buz’ aks)

n.

People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION

(kar’ pur pet u a shun)

n.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP

(dimp)

n.

A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”

DISCONFECT

(dis kon fekt’)

v.

To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove’ all the germs.

ECNALUBMA

(ek na lub’ ma)

n.

A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES

(eye’ ful eyetz)

n.

Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS

(el bon’ iks)

n.

The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

ELEVCELLERATION

(el a cel er ay’ shun)

n.

The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST

(frust)

n.

The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION

(lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun)

n.

Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal’ side.

NEONPHANCY

(ne on’ fan see)

n.

A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER

(pehp ee ay’)

n.

The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETOPHOBIC

(peh toe fo’ bik)

adj.

One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA

(fo nee’ zhuh)

n.

The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS

(pup’ kus)

n.

The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION

(tel e kras tin ay’ shun)

n.

The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

High school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After
lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: “Well, you missed a test today so
take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
“First Question: Which tire was flat?”

Now I Lay MeDown to Study,I Pray the Lord IWon’t Go Nutty.If I Should Fail toLearn this Junk,I Pray the Lord I Will Not Flunk.But If I Do, Don’t Pity Me at All,Just Lay My Bones In the Study Hall.Tell My Prof I Did My Best,Then Pile MyBooks upon My Chest.Now I Lay MeDown to Rest,And Pray I’ll PassTomorrow’s Test.If I Should Die Before I Wake,That’s One less Test I’ll Have to Take.