Category: school

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule.

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple or orange or green,

That’s no offense, it’s the freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise,

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall

Might offend someone with no faith at all.

In silence alone we must meditate,

God’s name is prohibited by the State.

We’re allowed to cuss & dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues & cheeks.

They’ve outlawed guns; but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the unwed daddy, our Senior King.

It’s “inappropriate” to teach right from wrong,

We’re taught that such “judgments” do not belong.

We can get our condoms, & birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires & totem poles.

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No Word of God must reach this crowd.

It’s scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns, the school’s a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot, My soul please take.

A student comes home with a girlfriend and asks her:
“I have spirits and vodka. What would you like?”
“Oh! I don’t know! Everything is so tasty!”

99% of the girls are beautiful, remaining 1% of the girls are in my school!

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.”

Nine hands went up.

“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.

“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

…you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
…your office is better decorated than your apartment.
…you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
…you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
…you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
…you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
…everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
…you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
…you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
…there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider “yours.”
…you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
…you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
…you look forward to summers because you’re more productive without the distraction of classes.
…you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
…you consider all papers to be works in progress.
…professors don’t really care when you turn in work anymore.
…you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
…you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
…you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
…you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it’s a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
…you find yourself explaining to children that you are in “20th grade”.
…you start refering to stories like “Snow White et al.”
…you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy
…you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
…you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
…you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as “personal communication”

(1) You believe the staff room should be equiped with a valium salt lick.

(2) You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 9 to 3 and have the summers free.

(3) You can tell if it’s a full moon without looking outside.

(4) You believe “shallow gene pool” should be it’s own box on the report card.

(5) You belive unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy the kids sure are mellow today.”

(6) When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know in public and correct their behaviour.

(7) You have no time for life from August to June.

(8) Marking all A’s on report cards would make life SO much easier.

(9) When you mention “vegetables” you are not talking about a food group.

(10) You think people should be required to get a government permit befor being allowed to reproduced.

(11) You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.*

(12) You go into uncontrollable hysterics when people refer to the staff room as a “lounge”.

(13) You believe in the aerial spraying of haldol and ativan.**

(14) You encourge an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

(15) You cannot have children because there’s no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you hear it uttered.

(16) You think caffeine should be administered by I.V.

(17) Your personal life comes to a screeching halt during report card time.

(18) Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers a question, “Why is this kid like this?”

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occassionally lick your lips. 22. Address the professor as “your excellency”. 23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking. 24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture. 25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face. 26. Ask whether you have to come to class. 27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket. 28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class. 29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you. 30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

The huge college freshman figured he’d try

out for the football team. “Can you tackle?”

asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded

to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering

it to splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He

was off like a shot, and, in just over nine

seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass

a football?”

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a

few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can

swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.
The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Why are you
wearing a football jersey?”
She replied, “Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn’t I wear it?”
He said, “You’re not supposed to wear it unless you’ve made the team.”
“Oh,” she replied sweetly, “Who did I miss?”

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scotsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. “What’s underneath your kilt?”, she asked him. “Why don’t you take a look”, he replied. Curiosity overcoming her, she lifted the kilt, then let it go, “Oh, it’s gruesome!” “Well, why don’t you take another look, it just grew-some more!!!!!”

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.

Transportation:
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Lodging:
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Meals:
Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering “all you can eat” salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment:
Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.

Miscellaneous:
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, “Red Caps” will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant don’t forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.

Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetraian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the sanme, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite alot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.