Category: school

Q: How many Gardner-Webb University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two – one to throw the old one in the cow pasture and the other to drive to Shelby to get a new bulb.

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of
birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night
studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward
and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the
front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird
had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class
started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by
looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits,
etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He
started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now
he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation,
the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the
professor’s desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. “What a
ridiculous test!” he told the prof. “How could anyone tell the difference
between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off
I’ve ever seen!”
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit
shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was
about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, “Wait a minute, young man,
what’s your name?”
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, “You tell me, prof!
You tell me!”

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX

This is not believed to be a coincidence.

To My Critics

When I am in a sober mood

I worry, work and think

When I am in a drunken mood

I gamble, fight and drink

But when all my moods are over

And the world has come to pass

I hope they bury me upside down

So the world can kiss my ass

Dear Diary:

Aug. 1 – Moved to our new house in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE.

Oct. 14 – New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.

Nov. 11 – Deer season will open soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 2 – It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 12 – More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 19 – Snowed again last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work on time. I’m exhausted from shoveling. DAMN SNOWPLOW!

Dec. 22 – More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m done shoveling. THAT ASSHOLE!!!

Dec. 25 – “White Christmas” my busted ass. More friggin’ snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on this shitty ice. DAMN ICE!

Dec. 28 – More of the same crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when “Snowplow Harry” comes by. Can’t go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? ONE HELL OF ALOT!

Jan. 1 – Happy Friggin’ New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 24 miserable inches of snow this time. At this rate it won’t melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that shit-for-brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over the asshole’s head. DAMN, ANOTHER SHOVEL WASTED! Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Wish those hunters would have killed them all last November. DAMN HUNTERS!

May 3 – Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the friggin’ salt they keep dumping all over the roads? It really looks like a piece of rusting shit. DAMN SALT!

May 10 – Moved to Florida today. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right friggin’ mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Maine. I LOVE IT HERE. Damn! Something just bit me….

Why does a Texas Aggie keep his fly open?
In case he has to count to eleven.

13. The Homecoming Queen Mum won’t abdicate or die.

12. Despite the fact that you confessed, and that some portions of the school weren’t badly burned, the principal has vindictively removed you from the running.

11. Too busy visiting your homeroom teacher and your new baby at the prison hospital to attend the festivities.

10. Classmates still sore about you opening fire on them in the cafeteria.

9. You managed to garner the support of the President of the United States, but those AV club bastards caught you doing it and sent the tape to Ken Starr.

8. Too busy helping with the local Star Trek convention to think about anything else.

7. Your big pep rally speech, “Football should be abolished because it distracts us from our studies,” seemed like a progressive idea at the time.

6. One word: pus

5. When you and the janitor are on a first-name basis, you ain’t gonna be no homecoming anything, protractor-boy.

4. You were already elected Homecoming Ho.

3. Your scrawny neck barely supports your bulbous head, and the added weight of the crown would no doubt snap it like a dry twig.

2. School name: Eldridge Cleaver High Your name: Mark Fuhrman, Jr.

1. Your loss in the all-night Dungeons & Dragons marathon for the “Championship of the Cosmos” means that you have to vote for your friend, Marvin.

Why does 6 hate 7?
Because 7 8 9

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

The student*not necessarily a well-prepared student*sat in his life science
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
“Give four advantages of breast milk. “What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best.
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good…maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again,what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed
again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he
scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.

In a class, a teacher showed the students a brick and said,”Now everybody will
tell me what you think about when you see this brick.””I think of our heroic
toilers who build communism using such bricks,” one student said.
“Good. Now you, Sveta.”
“I think about our heroic forefathers who used such bricks as a weapon when
they fought on barricades during the Revolution.”
“Very good. Now you, Peter.”
“I think of a cunt.”
“And why, permit me to ask, are you thinking of such a thing when I
specifically showed you this brick?”
“I just always think of it.”

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A
pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this
stuff?”
“To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does
physics save lives?” he persisted.
“It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school,” replied the professor.