Yours Fun Portal !
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his
future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled, “This is great!
“Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.
“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”
15> Driving a ’77 Toyota was cool in 1977. Today? Not so cool.14> The senior prom: Powder blue tux, white patent leather shoes and Mom’s Pontiac. If only I’d had a date.13> Failing the GED a third time was still almost a decade away.12> Scamming beer from that idiot clerk at the convenience store — the one where you now work selling beer to all those young-looking 25-year-olds.11> It was still technically possible you were really a genius just goofing off.10> The thrill of mixing various chemicals to see what sort of reaction resulted. Oh, and chemistry class, too.9> A simple handjob gave you bragging rights for a month.8> Working at McDonald’s, smoking weed and dating 16-year-olds didn’t make me the social pariah it does today.7> Back then, your peers actually envied your break-dancing ability.6> Two words: hourly boners5> Slow-dancing to Stairway to Heaven at the prom and when that fast part of the song came on, you didn’t know whether to keep slow-dancing or separate and dance fast or do something in-between so eventually you just said screw it and ran out to the parking lot to puke up some peach Schnapps.4> Sexual abstinence was still a choice — not a sad, pathetic, soul-destroying reality.3> Watching through the hole in the locker-room wall as gorgeous cheerleaders soaped up each other’s nubile young bodies in the shower. (movie high schools only)2> Ms. LeTourneau. Good God, how I miss Ms. LeTourneau.1> The sensual sheen of the lunch lady’s forehead as a single tantalizing droplet of glistening sweat escaped from her hairnet and danced temptingly down her nose. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, “Psst! Is it gone?”
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill
form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind
of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.”
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English
literature!
“What else do you have?” asks the student.
“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the
pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”
The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment.” He goes back into the storeroom and
brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know … math always was a little hard to
swallow.”
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke some marijuanna.
Jack got high and dropped his fly
and said, “Jill, do you wanna?”
Jill said yes and dropped her dress
and then they had some fun.
But silly jill forgot the pill
and now they have a son!
Man: “How’s your history paper coming?”Woman: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it’s been very helpful. Man: “Really?”Woman: “Yes! I’ve already located 17 people who sell them!”
101. It’s amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.106. You never realized how quiet your house was.107. Dishes aren’t dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.110. Your life will never be the same again.
When was the Magna Carta signed?
“You there in the back of the room!” shouted the instructor. “What was the
date of the signing of the Magna Carta?”
“I dunno,” was the reply.
“You don’t know? Well, when was the Third Crusade?”
“I dunno,” the victim replied again.
“I made this assignment last Friday. What were you doing last night?”
“I was out at a party with some friends. Didn’t get home ’til five A.M.”
“And you have the audacity to stand there and tell me that?! Just how do you
expect to pass this course?”
“I dunno, mister. I was just told to come an’ fix the radiator.”
Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus.
One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate, “I hear there’s a new case of
herpes in the dorm.”
“Great!” said Baldwin. “I was getting tired of 7-Up!”
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren’t necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know.”
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly
superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don’t never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of
10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns
in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they’re old hat; seek
viable alternatives.
The physics professor turned from the blackboard and said to his class, “I
defy you to name anything faster than the speed of light.”
“Just one thing,” said the pretty coed. “A frat man on his way home after
seeing a porno movie.”
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you’re holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.