Category: school

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.

“You rotten bastard!” yelled the husband…”I’m going to kill you!”

“Wait!, said Mrs. Jones”.
You know that fur coat I got last winter?
Well, he gave it to me.

And that diamond ring we sold for $1000’s?
Well, he gave it to me.

And remember when we couldn’t aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.

After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims…

“For heaven sake woman, it’s drafty in here.”
“Cover him so he doesn’t catch cold!”

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of
Chemical Engineering, Final Exam for May of 1997 consisted
of only one question. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking
questions such as, ”Why do airplanes fly?” on his final
exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for
his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was:
”Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer
with proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote
the following:
“First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must
have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also
have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell
and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering
hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, then you will go to
hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to
stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume
needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure
in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. If
hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the
quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman
year, ”that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep
with you” and take into account the fact that I still have
NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then
Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is exothermic.”
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Jamie decided to try out for the Ohio State baseball team.

He arrived at the practice field carrying his glove and spikes.

The coach approached him and said, “Okay, Jamie. Name yer best playin’
position.”

“Sorta stooped over like this,” answered the country boy.

A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if
college professors were absent-minded.

“Professors haven’t got bad memories,” he declared. “They’re not
absent-minded. Don’t you think I know where I am right now, and don’t you think
tomorrow I’ll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another
question?”

“Yes,” said another guest. “Is it true that professors are absent-minded and
have bad memories?”

“Good!” said the professor. “I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that
question.”

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs
itself as ‘Fiancee 1.0’. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a
real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running
before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further
consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash
2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional
plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is
no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was
discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported
similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid
the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend
5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all
traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting
installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks
(usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep)
to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently
has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the
upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:
* A ‘Don’t remind me again’ button
* Minimize button
* Shutdown feature
* An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled
if necessary (so you don’t lose cache and other objects) .
Unfortunately, since I’ve already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don’t think I will
be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to
include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft
of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same
system — most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which
starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all
versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes
all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will
refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these
new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I’m sticking
with Dog 1.0k9. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs
are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he!”

And the waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

Teacher: If you had 20p in one trouser pocket and 60p in the other, what do
you have?
Pupil: Someone else�s trousers, miss.

When professors say this . . .they really mean this!
* this needs some minor revision. – i never actually got around to reading
this.
* my office hours are by appointment only. – i like to get out of here
early.
* ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. – i’ll be
fudging your grades.
* this won’t be on the test. – nap time!
* bring the text to class. – i don’t have a clue how to lecture–we’ll just
kill time with group read-along.
* he’s not fully up to speed on that. – he’s got his head up his ass.
* i don’t have the latest department guidelines. – i’ve got my head up my
ass.
* let’s check with dr. so-and-so on that before we proceed. – i’ve got my
head up his ass.
* talk to the department secretary. – piss off.
* talk to me in my office after class. – get out of my face.
* the tests will all be multiple-choice. – i take questions directly from the
study guide and have grad students do all my grading.
* don’t come in late during my lecture. – i have the attention span of a fruit
fly.
* save your questions until the end. – see above.
* the final will be comprehensive. – i’ll expect you to recapitulate in two
hours everything i couldn’t fully cover myself in 15 weeks.
* everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. – this course is outside
my specialty–i’ll just bluff it and let you teach.
* there are two tas available to help you. – i can’t be bothered.
* this year i’ll be scaling the grades. – i just passed tenure review.
* let’s break up into quiet discussion groups. – i have a hangover.
* let’s have class outdoors today! – i had beans for lunch.
* you won’t be able to sell back the text to the bookstore. – my contract
wasn’t picked up.
* please note the last day to withdraw. – the midterm’s gonna suck.
* the answer to number 4 is “b,” and just skip number 17. – i only got around
to making up the test last night.
* the second list is optional reading. – i have a rich fantasy life.
* i haven’t had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. – the
a****** department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible
minute.
* well, it was on the syllabus. – i’ll hold you responsible for this
even though i forgot about it myself.
* we’ll just skip the term paper this semester. – there wasn’t enough in the
budget for a ta.
* bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. – see above.
* attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. – i’m so boring
that no one would show up otherwise.
* read chapters 5 through 10. – i’m not coming in at all next week.
* we’ll have to cover this chapter quickly. – i screwed up the lecture
schedule.
* let’s go over the exam. – half of you failed.
* it was in the textbook. – i pulled it out of my ass.
* extra credit is available. – i need some s*** work done.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
“Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so
that we may begin plowing.”
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred
students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o-lantern, but you can’t convince it to move out.

These are actual excuse notes from parents (Including original spelling)
Collected by Nisheeth Parekh University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.