Category: school

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF…
The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this
one).
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burnt-out bulb in the string.
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery,
and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
The salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
You are always late to meetings.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that
the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
You can’t write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You forgot to get a haircut … for 6 months.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see
how they do the special effects.
You have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts.
You know what http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
You window shop at Radio Shack.
You’re in the back seat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the
moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
You’ve ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice)

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example: ‘If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.’

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”

Dont use any punctuation in your emails

Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say “are you sure”?

Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy
that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the
car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements od the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:

By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:

A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:

A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:

A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

freek freek freek freek fereyf

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine
weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind
her and caught her.
“I am going to eat you for lunch!” said the fox.
“Wait!” replied the rabbit, “You should at least wait a few days.”
“Oh yeah? Why should I wait?”
“Well, I am just finishing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes
and Wolves.'”
“Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will
always win over a rabbit.”
“Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my
hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and
have me for lunch.”
“You really are crazy!” But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose,
it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure
enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
“Wait!” yelled the rabbit, “You can’t eat me right now.”
“And why might that be, my furry appetizer?”
“I am almost finished writing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over
Foxes and Wolves.'”
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. “Maybe I
shouldn’t eat you; you really are sick … in the head. You might have something
contagious.”
“Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with
my conclusions.”
So the wolf went down into the rabbit’s hole and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce
patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, “What’s up? You seem very happy.”
“Yup, I just finished my thesis.”
“Congratulations. What’s it about?”
“‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'”
“Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”
“Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself.” So together they went down into the
rabbit’s hole.
As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather
messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was
in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a
pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The Moral of the Story:
The title of your thesis doesn’t matter. The subject doesn’t matter. The
research doesn’t matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.

It’s passages like the following that make it all worthwhile:

What’s highway violence?

It’s when one driver get’s ticked off at another driver and does something about it using a weapon such as a gun, knife, club, or tire iron.

During the period 1990 through 1995, 218 deaths and thousands of injuries were reported nationwide. You can use Excel functions to learn more about this data.

Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.”
New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.”

Neighbor 1: “So, what is it you do for a living?”
New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.”

Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what’s that?”
New Neighbor: “Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1: “That’s right.”

New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.”
Neighbor 1: “Right again.”

New Neighbor: “Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife.”
Neighbor 1: “Correct.”

New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.”
Neighbor 1: “Yup.”
New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning.”
Neighbor 1: “Cool.”

Later that same day:
Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.”
Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”
Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job.”
Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah, what does he do?”
Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.”
Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”
Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”
Neighbor 2: “No.”
Neighbor 1: “Fag!”

1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend’s phone number.

6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.

9. Yell “FLUSH!”

10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you’re in a stall.

12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13. Get dressed in the dark.

14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17. Order pizza every Friday night.

18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can’t sleep in a room
by yourself.

19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too
much extra space.

20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don’t miss them.

21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don’t want to go out.

22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).

23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack
machine and pay phone in the house.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

(brace yourself)

(this is going to hurt.)

(really bad.)

“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class

Q: How does a drunken Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?A: Very satisfying