Category: school

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we’re going down the tracks!”

The mother went into the living room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language.”

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue. “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

Then, the child added, “And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the bitch in the kitchen.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

Scene: It’s a fine beautiful day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, typing away on his laptop.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: “What are you working on?” Rabbit: “My Thesis paper to graduate from University.” Fox: “Hmmmmm. What is it about?” Rabbit: “Oh, I’m writing about how rabbits eat foxes.”

(There is an incredulous pause)

Fox: “That’s ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don’t eat foxes!” Rabbit: “Come with me and I’ll show you!”

They both disappear into the rabbit’s burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard working rabbit. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).

Wolf: “What’s that you are writing?” Rabbit: “I’m doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves.” (loud guffaws). Wolf: “You don’t expect to get such garbage published, do you?” Rabbit: “No problem. Do you want to see why?”

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself. This time he is patting his stomach. He goes back to his typing. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).

Finally a bear comes along and asks, Bear: “What are you doing?” Rabbit: “I’m doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears.” Bear: “Well that’s absurd!” Rabbit: “Come into my home and I’ll show you.”

SCENE: Inside the rabbit’s burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: ———————– It doesn’t matter what you choose for a thesis topic. It doesn’t matter what you use for your data. It doesn’t even matter if your topic makes sense. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.

10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a
year on Wall Street.

9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I wouldn’t never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have on more book to read and then I’ll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, miss, me, me!”
Teacher says “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?” Little Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.” Teacher smiles and says “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.” Little Johnny says “No, miss, you’re thinking of a blow job. I’m talking about a wank.

24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that’s all you have

Sent by a friend: I’m currently running the latest version of
GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately.I’ve been running the same
version of DrinkingBuddies1.0 forever as my primary application, and
all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I
hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background
mode and its sound is turned off. However, for the life of me I can’tfind
the switch that turns the sound off. So, I just run them separately, and they
work just fine.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I
thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with
GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend
2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was
right. As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly
after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.All the bugs were supposed to
be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway.
I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I very
cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and
also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I
discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running
GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has
a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any
other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which
results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is
too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, I’ve never liked how the GirlFriend Series is totally
object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of
GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident
version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had
to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has
taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary
reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with
FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 often
prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, even with new Plug-Ins. On top of that, Wife
1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, although he did not
ask for it. This has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t control, and it’s
impossible to modulate its sound. I suggested that he consider installing
Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first
uninstalling any of the Wife series, Wife will delete all MSMoney files and
crash the system before uninstalling itself. With a purged cache, Mistress
1.0 will never install. The moral of this story is: Know your system’s
hardware requirements, software peculiarities and limited range of
compatibilities and do be careful with those alluring upgrades.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

Problem: World Hunger

Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people until no one is hungry anymore.

Problem: World Peace

Solution: Remove all the humans from the planet.

Problem: Poverty

Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.

Problem: People Leaching Welfare (CANADA)

Solution: Chop them up with the hungry people.

Problem: War

Solution: Create a new law so that for every person you kill, you loose a limb. Bullets and firearms will be sold to you, but at the price of a limb. When you die, your firearms will be cremated with you.

Problem: Injustice

Solution: This will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some damn whiner will bitch about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.

Problem: Over Population

Solution: Sterilize the population.

Problem: Nuclear Weapons

Solution: Dismantle them and send them into space. If we ever need them to blow up an asteroid, then put them together again.

Problem: Aliens Stealing DNA Samples

Solution: Start shooting DNA into space to save the aliens the trip… and us the probing.

Problem: Washing Machine & Dryer Stealing Socks

Solution: Take them into the fields and shoot them along with the designers.

Problem: Stupid People

Solution: Kill them. Only I get to decide who lives.

Problem: Bad Parents

Solution: Parents must pass a test administered by me. If they fail, they get sterilized until they pass the test. If you fail twice, you stay sterilized for 5 years.

Problem: Animal Abuse

Solution: Kill the person doing it. I get to kill them.

Problem: Space Junk Floating AroundSolution: Make a giant pool skimmer and clean the place up! How can we possibly have company over when the place is a mess?

Problem: Stupid Teenage Female Puppet Singers (Like Brittany Spears)

Solution: Pump up their fake boobs until they explode or fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Tape it as well so I can piss myself laughing.

Problem: Dumbass All Boy Bands Who All Sound The Same

Solution: Force them to do their little dance routines for months, or until they collapse. If that doesn’t work, then fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Then shoot them and tape it for me.

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who’s president earned his MBA from UCLA, ” How much will your company charge for this project?” “2 million,” said Bruin. “1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.”

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered, “3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.”

Finally, the president asks the last company , Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered, ” 4 million.”

“FOUR MILLION,” yelled the president of ABC. “How do you breakdown the cost?”

Trojan replied, “1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.194. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF…
The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this
one).
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burnt-out bulb in the string.
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery,
and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
The salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
You are always late to meetings.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that
the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
You can’t write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You forgot to get a haircut … for 6 months.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see
how they do the special effects.
You have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts.
You know what http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
You window shop at Radio Shack.
You’re in the back seat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the
moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
You’ve ever tried to repair a $5 radio.