Category: school

These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the
cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebra symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great
deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer�s grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the
winter.
The hookworm larva enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brines have more
convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.160. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to…” and make up stories involving you and your roommate.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.127. Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can’t guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame

To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim

Ahead of my legions

I invaded her regions

I saw, I conquered, I came!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.177. Invite your roommate to sleepover.

In a restroom at IBM’s Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — “THINK!”

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — “THOAP!”

[For the occasional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online has been distributing “10 Hours Free” disks like crazy. They come with magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]

Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun.

Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out of names before you run out of disks.

Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Don’t stop until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.

Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time. Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets AOL’s order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber data base.

Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.

Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.

Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they reach critical mass.

Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different ID’s. Making effective use of mail forwarding and distribution lists, bring AOL to a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding the following message among the various accounts: “Stop sending these f*****g disks.”

Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire at age 43.

Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and to send the letter to five more people.

One day a nursery school teacher says to the class, “Who can

use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?

A little girl jumps up and says… “The sky is definitely

blue!” The teacher

replies, “Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can

also be gray, or orange…”

A little boy quickly says…”Trees are definitely green!”

Teacher replies,

“Oh Sorry Michael, but in the autumn the

trees change color…”

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts,

“Does a fart have lumps?”

The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course

not!!!”

“Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants!”

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once” John explained.

“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” Bob shouted angrily.

“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
“Just look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”

7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”

6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”

5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Next is little Lucy. “Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

Last is little Billy. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, “Don’t fuck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60 year old man says they can only do it in the movies

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

Super glue is forever

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water

Pool filters do not like Jello

VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do

Always look in the oven before you turn it on

The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

It will however make cats dizzy

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy