Category: school

61. You almost forget how to drive.62. You’ll drink anything if it’s free..63. People still cheat, it’s just more technologically advanced.64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.65. The girl you’re going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.67. You never realized how cool you can be.68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

Early one morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, shaking him gently. “Wake up, Honey. It’s time to go to school.”

“But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school,” he whined.

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school and maybe I’ll consider it,” she taunted.

“One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,” he concluded.

“Oh! Those are not good reasons. Come on… get up. You have to go to school now.”

“Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?” he retorted.

“One, you are 52 years old, Honey. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein

and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer’s Lingo:

“COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM” We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee’s Lingo:

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:” I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE” I pilfer office supplies.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES” I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK” I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’M PERSONABLE” I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL” I carry a Day-Timer.

“I AM ADAPTABLE” I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO” I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED” The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“274,” is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was
stopped by two coeds.

“Would you like to become a Jehovah’s Witness?” asked one of the girls.

“No, I really couldn’t. I didn’t see the accident.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

What’s the definition of innocence? A nun working in a condom factory,
thinking she’s making little sleeping bags for mice.

Date: ___________

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send: __ Money (Cash)!

Amount: $_______

__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________

__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?

__ I am in love with myself

__ I am in love!

__ I am engaged

__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on

__ Gave me a black eye

__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason

__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???

__ Has fleas

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers

__ Mental institution escapees

__ Brain dead nerds

__ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car

__ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit

__ You are going to have a grandchild

__ False alarm – you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:

__ Is great!

__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking

__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Grades:

__ I am making all A’s

__ I am not being properly challenged

__ I will be home after this semester

I study:

__ Night and day

__ All the time

__ 80 hours a week

__ Only on Sunday afternoon

__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday

__ I can’t read

__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses

__ My paper that was due yesterday

__ The clothes you washed for me

__ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills

__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment

__ Other _____________________________________________

Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _________________

__ I am saving money by not using detergent

__ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester

__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:

__ Can pass your “white glove” test

__ Is only ____% full

__ Could not be located last Saturday night

__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:

__ I don’t inhale

__ I only go to meet people

__ Haven’t been to one since this morning

Hope you:

__ Miss me

__ Can live without me

__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,

__ Your Son,

__ Yours,

You won’t beleive this. It’s a true story. Ahem: About a year ago I was at Science Class and sitting beside my buddy Chad. We were in this huge science lab, and were waiting for our assighnment Mr.Hall wlked in, and wrote on the marker board. “All students will be required to wear they’re goggles and an apron. Pair up with a partner and you will each be given a series of chemicals. make predictions about what you think they are. Look, touch,(with gloves)and write down observations. Next, heat the chemical you observed, and describe what happens. Do not over heat bunsen burner! Record observations in science journal, and wait for further directions.”
Chad and I put on our gear and grabbed our chemicals. I tested a few, but came up on one that I couldn’t figure out. Chad on the other hand, was doing fine with his half.

“What do you think this is?” “Dunno” Chad replied, he lit the burner. I observed the liquid. it was clear, and looked like water.

I poured a little out and touched it. It was cold. “Chad. I’m going to taste this I know it’s water.” Chad turned towards me. “What? You pussey! You can’t do that! You don’t know what that is!” “It has to be water!” “Don’t take any chances!’ Chad replied. I looked at my chemical carefully. I was convinced it was water. So I began to put it to my lips when, chad knocked over his burner, and the chemical fell into the floor! His apron caught fire, and he yelled at the top of his lungs. Everyone screamed! Chad ripped off his apron and through it onto a table. But the table was covered with paper! It began getting larger. Still convinced that the chemical was H2O I picked up the glass and threw it on the fire. Unfortunantly, I found out later that the chemical was actually Gasoline!! The fire raged as the fire engulfed the two tables nearest to it!! “Evreyone out!!!!” Mr.hall and my classmates ran out the door as Mr.hall grabbed a fire extinguisher in the hall and ran into the room. After about two minutes, Mr.hall came out, and yelled “Who is responsible for this?!!” Everyone pointed to Chad and me. We looked at each other, and then at Mr.Hall. “You two!!! To the Mr.Simpson’s office!!! Now!!!”

Chad and I spent the rest of the school year suspended and in detention. We never neared a fire without caution again.

The moral: Look before you leap (Because you’ll fall, oh yeah, you’ll fall.)