Category: school

What is a dog’s favorite pizza? – PUParonni!!
What monster can jump higher than a house? – All of them, houses can’t jump!
Why don’t fish play tennis? – They’re scared of the net!
What did the monkey say when his master cut his tail off? – “Well, it won’t be
long now”!!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.26. Write your roommate’s name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If he asks about it, say you didn’t write it.

by Robert ChenYou should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.21. When they’re not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, “This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some.”22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them.24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.25. During the meal, yell out, “Oh my gosh! It’s still alive!” Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you’re in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.27. Practice singing.28. Randomly stop people from eating and try to convince them that their food is poisoned.29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are
able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a
Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The
coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on
your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are
costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and
so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the
bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were
in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with
Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage
Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk.
You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars),
your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of
Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the
following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time
machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the
employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t
focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your
computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your
shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn
either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is
suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in
your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very
gently.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test
the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on
them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat
straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The
professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs
and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to
him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to
identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and
said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by
looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s
desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every
student’s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister,
what’s your name?”
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You tell me buddy! You
tell me!”

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

The dog ate my car keys, So now I have to hitchhike to the vet.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”

In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a non-smoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”

On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”

On a butcher’s window, “You can beat our prices, but you can’t beat our meat.”

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”

On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company, “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”

In a Beauty Shop, “We curl up and Dye for you.”

On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

____________________University

To: Professor____________________ From: __________________I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
______ Law School
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
______6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
______mono______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism______pregnancy
______VD______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other_____

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO shoud be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, “Okay, guys, you can come out now.”